wordpress-seo domain was triggered too early. This is usually an indicator for some code in the plugin or theme running too early. Translations should be loaded at the init action or later. Please see Debugging in WordPress for more information. (This message was added in version 6.7.0.) in /www/supportivcom_655/public/wp-includes/functions.php on line 6260mojo-marketplace-wp-plugin domain was triggered too early. This is usually an indicator for some code in the plugin or theme running too early. Translations should be loaded at the init action or later. Please see Debugging in WordPress for more information. (This message was added in version 6.7.0.) in /www/supportivcom_655/public/wp-includes/functions.php on line 6260The post How COVID-19 Shows Us To Bond With Our Families appeared first on Supportiv.
]]>While we’re isolated from the world at large, we’re indoors and physically closer to the ones we love, remembering the value (and challenges) of bonding with family.
Doing our part by social distancing involves major disruption to our routines and comfort zones. In the face of overwhelm and uncertainty, most of us are scrambling to make things work, and to find optimism in the situation.
Yes, COVID-19 is devastating, but what can we learn from this experience with our families?
Family bonding is important in general, but it’s crucial during a crisis.
COVID-19 has put a lot of pressure on family units. Parents have had to homeschool their children while managing work from home. And some parents have been laid off entirely from full time positions, leaving them feeling powerless and overwhelmed.
So much is going wrong, that family becomes a necessary support, being physically there for you. You’re spending time with your kids 24/7 for the first time maybe ever. How can we use this chance to appreciate and come closer to those we love?
During quarantine, we have limitations on what activities we can engage in because many things are unsafe. What can we do to fill the time, together? How can we use this opportunity to bond with our families?
Bonding activities that you used to engage in, such as movie-going and community gatherings, aren’t available. You can’t go on playdates or use playground equipment, either.
It’s time to get creative. For those sheltering in place with family, COVID-19 provides an opportunity for connection, if we allow it. And there are many things you can do as a family that don’t require going to crowded places.
There will be times where you need to disassociate from the pandemic and watch Netflix or play games. But it’s important to remember that even in the pandemic, there’s such a thing as too much technology. Even if it is recreational, too much time on a phone or iPad can be detrimental to you or your child’s brain.
Your personal technology use may become even more problematic than your child’s. Of course, you want to know what’s going on in the world and stay educated on the pandemic, but there’s definitely such a thing as too much news. You want to make sure that there’s a balance between remaining aware and spending time in the moment with loved ones, especially your children.
Limit the amount of time that you’re engaging in technology by taking in the essential news and then moving on. This is the time to focus on valuing the relationships within your family.
One way to do that: You can always open up the floor to your kids and let them talk about this pandemic and how it’s making them feel. This is an opportunity to reinforce your role as their safe home base, the comforting caregiver whose safety allows them to deal with life’s uncertainties.
You don’t necessarily have to make your old favorite activities work during quarantine. Just sitting in the grass can be cathartic and grounding–it’s a way to get in touch with the natural world, to find peace during these overwhelming times.
Even stepping out on the porch and doing something small like playing an identifying game can make mindfulness possible for young kids. Ask your child to identify three things that they can see, touch or hear outside. This feels like a game, and can be an opportunity to connect with each other (while showing your kid how to ground themselves).
Maybe, you’d like to take this a step further and actually teach your kids to practice meditation or another mindful activity, practicing together. Shelter-in-place is nothing if not an opportunity for mindfulness and learning the value of just sitting still.
It’s important to remember that just because we can’t be near others outside, doesn’t mean that we can’t step outside at all. We can still get a bit of fresh air, bond with our families, and model useful skills for our kids, while staying 6 feet from those outside the quarantine pod.
Many of us typically engage in a lifestyle that is fast-paced where we work hard and are constantly busy. Due to this routine, we sometimes neglect ourselves, our passions, or other things that we’d like to do like taking time to have family meals together or teach our kids certain skills.
Many of us are being forced into downtime right now. It’s not what we’re used to. So think about what you’d like to instill in your kids, to use this unpleasant opportunity for good.
Do you want them to know how to balance the checkbook? Do you want them to know how to cook? Do you want to embrace their creative abilities? This is the time to do all of those things.
And once you take the time to do those things during the pandemic, don’t stop integrating them into your life afterward. Keep teaching your kids what you want to teach them, keep spending quality time with loved ones, keep checking in on your loved one’s emotional well-being, and don’t take anything for granted.
Yes, there are a ton of things that we hope to get back to as soon as it’s safe to do so. Those things, like work or social events, are absolutely important, and it’s understandable that we are eager to get back to those things. But there are things that we can learn during this time as well.
This is a complicated time, though we are now reminded of the relationships we value, such as those with our families. Since you have unprecedented time bonding with your kids right now, open communication is a major priority. Be grateful that your family members are close to you if you have that privilege, and connect with those who are distant in any way that you can.
However you’re feeling, it’s okay to share that with your partner, kids, other family members, or friends. There might be people that you aren’t able to see because they have compromised immune systems or simply do not live with you. You can always Facetime with them, text them, or call them, and get some validation about your feelings. This is also a chance to support them in their struggle. For that reason and others, this is a vital time to reach out to those that you care about, openly sharing your experience.
The most important thing to remember during this pandemic is to maintain a support system, even if it is virtual. Having support is vital during this time because stability becomes paramount when the world is chaotic and uncertain.
You can get through this time, and you and your family members will look back on the pandemic as a time when you were pushed closer together and became closer through challenges.
The post How COVID-19 Shows Us To Bond With Our Families appeared first on Supportiv.
]]>The post How To (Not) React When Your Kid Pushes Your Buttons appeared first on Supportiv.
]]>They know how to get our attention, but sometimes that means getting on our nerves. We love our kids, but we can get frustrated and even resentful when they push our buttons.
So, how can you react productively when your kid annoys you? What’s the move when your kid says or does the exact thing you can’t tolerate right now? How do you stop yourself from responding in a way that’s potentially harmful?
Here, we’re going to talk about how to handle our kids’ annoying moods in the best way possible.
The first thing that you can do to help yourself not react is to take a breather. Step outside and close your eyes to think. Sit on the porch. Ask your spouse, an older child, or someone else in the house if they can take over for a second, so you can go into another room.
Temporarily removing yourself from the situation can’t be emphasized enough. It allows you to feel and process your frustration, while reducing the possibility you’ll scar your kid in a flash of anger.
Even if you’re a single parent and no one else is present, it is often possible to find a way to take a breather. Communication is everything. With kids of most ages, it’s entirely possible to say “mommy needs a minute” or “daddy needs a minute.” Close your eyes and take deep breaths in and out as you think of how you’re going to respond when you re-enter the conversation with your child.
When you do respond to them, the most important thing to do is to make sure that your voice remains calm. Don’t raise your voice or use an aggressive tone.
Ask your child what they need, while indicating that you have needs too. This should be less of a stern reminder than a perspective-setting, potentially mind-blowing moment: “I know you feel like you need ____ right now. We will take care of that! But I want you to know I feel like I need ____. Look, we both have the same kind of feelings! Let’s figure out how we can both feel ok here.”
Let them know that you will provide them with what they need right now, and that you will then need some time to get work done, to clean, or to do whatever it is that you need to do.
You can say, “I will answer that question because I know it’s important to you, and after that, I will let you go play with your toys for forty-five minutes while I finish [my work, the dishes, etc.]. I need some quiet time to do my important thing.”
This will show your kids that you’re being attentive to them while also setting a precedent that your needs also need to be attended. It will allow you to focus or have some time to yourself, in a way that your kid can understand.
It can be hard for kids to imagine the needs of others–or even that others have needs and inner worlds just like they do. Your kids won’t know that you’ve got important things to do, unless you tell them.
Despite best efforts and creativity with supervision, there are times when you can’t step aside or take a breather from your kid’s antics. Maybe you have very young kids, or a child with special needs you can’t possibly leave alone for long enough to calm down.
If you can’t step away, it’s still all about tone of voice–just harder to achieve the right calm in the moment. You can be upset or frustrated without reacting in a way your child perceives as threatening. Keep your frustration about the situation, and about what your child did, rather than about who they are.
“It really frustrates me that you threw a tennis ball at my desk. That makes me feel the way you do when your friend steals your toy. Can you imagine how that feels? Could you have acted in a way that didn’t make me feel bad?”
After acknowledging the situation however you can in the moment, get your space as soon as you can. Even if you can’t take extended time away, don’t underestimate the power of a “bathroom break” during a burst of frustration.
You know your child better than anyone else, so if there’s an activity you know of that will keep them content and occupied for a good period of time, there’s nothing wrong with letting them do that thing while you take a break.
Even if that thing is TV or using electronics, it doesn’t mean that you’re using those things as “a babysitter,” as some would say; you’re allowing them to do something that’s soothing for them while you take a break and stop yourself from reacting in a way that you may regret.
That is entirely healthy and valid both for you and your child.
Sometimes your kid isn’t just pushing your buttons and frustrating you; sometimes the annoying behavior is causing real, actual problems.
If your child is doing something like breaking household rules, playing rough with a sibling when you told them to stop, or any other behavior you set a boundary for, you might need to put a consequence in place. Here are some do’s and don’ts when it comes to discipline:
DO establish rules, consequences, and boundaries in advance. Your child can’t follow rules that they don’t know about, so if you don’t want them to do something (or if you do want them to do something), let them know in advance, and tell them what the consequences will be if they don’t follow the guidelines you set.
DON’T implement discipline when your anger levels are high. Wait until you cool down before you reinforce consequences.
DO give just as much attention to good behavior. Recognize your children when they do something kind or helpful and compliment them on doing a great job. Sometimes, kids push your buttons to get attention, so make sure that positive things are what you’re attending to the most.
DON’T fail to follow through on the consequences you set. This will teach your kids that if they push you hard enough, they’ll get what they want. Reward positive behaviors instead of button-pushing.
DO pick your battles. Not everything is a big enough deal that you have to react to it. Yes, you might be annoyed or overwhelmed, but you don’t always have to give a reaction at all.
DON’T let your anger or overwhelm build up. Talk it out with a fellow adult when you can and let off some steam.
Overall, if your buttons are getting pushed to the point where you’re mad on a daily basis, it’s probably a sign that something’s not working.
Discipline is said to be most effective when a child feels that it’s fair, so don’t be afraid to incorporate their thoughts, feelings, and input while developing family rules. At the very least, take time to explain the reasoning and logic behind the rules and consequences you set.
It’s true that sometimes, kids are just kids. But other times there is a bigger issue at hand. If your child interrupts a lot, for example, they may have ADHD or another behavioral health issue.
To get context clues about what your child might be experiencing, ask them questions. You can use any info you get, or behavior you observe, to fill out this mental health symptom checker from the Child Mind Institute.
At times, it feels like your kids are pushing your buttons on purpose when they truly aren’t. In the case that your child does struggle with something like ADHD, there are ways to help them, and it’s important to recognize when there’s a problem, so that it can be treated for everyone’s benefit.
Childhood anxiety is another thing that can manifest as kids “pushing your buttons.” Are your kids annoying you by asking you questions or asking for reassurance constantly? That could be anxiety, and rejecting their attempts to connect might cause more harm to an anxious child than an intentionally annoying one.
Additionally, when a kid has frequent outbursts that are beyond normal childhood tantrums or emotional processing, there is usually an underlying problem.
Whether that underlying issue is something that’s going on for them at school, something affecting them in other areas of life such as a loss within the family, or a diagnosable mental health condition, it is important to talk to your child and get them the appropriate support if needed.
No one is perfect, and the people who are around us the most are the ones who watch us go through our most difficult times. That includes our kids.
If you look at your own behavior or emotions and see that you react the way that you do out of uncontrollable anger, anxiety, or another emotional struggle, seek help and attempt to build better coping mechanisms.
It can be hard to admit that you might be struggling with something that’s affecting your kids, but it’s important to look the issue in the eyes if you do. Know that mental health struggles don’t mean that you’re a bad person, broken, or crazy.
And remember that kids are capable of understanding mental health struggles (more info on discussing your own mental health with your kids, here). Recognizing these issues and doing something about them is healthy both for you and your children.
No one is perfect. Even if you intend to keep your cool, there will inevitably be a time when you just can’t take it anymore. All of us break, and you are not a bad parent for reacting when your kids push your buttons.
In fact, an accidental angry outburst gives you an excellent chance to model something else for your child – apologizing! It’s very important that kids learn how to apologize properly, so use this as a learning experience.
You can say, “I am sorry for how I reacted. I’m having a bad day and lost my control for a minute. No one is perfect, and I didn’t mean to get upset with you. Next time, I will try to tell you what’s wrong instead of yelling.”
Kids learn from what you model, and doing this will teach them to say that they’re sorry when they do something they’re not proud of, too.
Peer support is excellent for parents, and, well, everyone. Have a group of other parents that you can talk to, or at least one other friend that is a parent. If there’s anyone in the world that’ll understand, it’s them.
Sometimes, especially if you are very overwhelmed on a consistent basis, it is also helpful to seek the help of a licensed mental health professional. Don’t be afraid to seek the help of a therapist or counselor. You can also always find topic-specific online peer support here, 24/7 (and totally anonymous).
Either way, connection and community are often what keeps us sane! So, remember, you’re doing the best that you can, and when it feels like life is just too much, you’re not alone.
The post How To (Not) React When Your Kid Pushes Your Buttons appeared first on Supportiv.
]]>The post Setting Boundaries With Your Kids Is Worth It—Here’s How appeared first on Supportiv.
]]>Especially during the COVID-19 epidemic, boundaries must be clear and respected “to a T,” so that kids can follow precautions against the coronavirus.
In closer quarters during shelter-in-place, boundaries also allow parents, siblings, and other family members to keep peace and reduce tension. Now, more than ever, parents must be armed with gentle ways to say “no.”
Children often become upset when boundaries and rules are discussed. But the reality is that by saying “no,” you’re showing your kid that life involves adapting to the non-negotiable.
When you imagine a physical boundary, it’s a barrier between you and another person. Social and emotional boundaries work in much the same way.
Boundaries between people are barriers between individuals’ behavior. This is how everyone in the world maintains autonomy without infringing on others’: by communicating and respecting boundaries.
Creating boundaries for children’s behavior is important because it helps them understand what they can and can’t do, what is and is not ok, as they grow up into the “real world.”
Enforcing boundaries with kids usually involves some form of the word “no,” but also ideally includes components like:
You might think that calling your child out for breaking rules is hurtful, but it doesn’t have to be. Kids need practice with boundaries. This practice teaches them self-control, prepares them to follow rules throughout life, and shows them that they can set boundaries when they need, too.
In the “real” world, there are many bounds and rules, so it’s important to set helpful limitations for your child.
You can set many boundaries with your children. Take limiting technology usage as an example. Let’s say that you tell your ten-year-old (or twenty-year-old), “You can use the tablet for two hours.” That is the boundary you set, and after that two hours, your child is responsible for putting the tablet away.
However, what if they don’t listen?
An example of your child pushing the boundaries is continuing to play with the electronic device after you’ve made it clear that there’s a set amount of time in which they can use it.
So, what do you do? Respond by reinforcing the boundary, in addition to the reasoning behind it. Tell them, “You know the rules. You are not supposed to be on the tablet for more than two hours. Spending more than that will make things harder for you later in life. And we need to leave enough time to do all our other daily activities. Therefore, you need to put the tablet away.”
Since they are in a boundary-pushing mood, they may continue not to listen to you. They want to see how important it is to follow the rule, and they “judge” this by what happens when they don’t. It’s natural for kids to test what they can get away with in this manner. It’s how they figure out the way the world works–through trial and error.
Kids are built to push boundaries, so the question is: What do you do next?
Set a clear, unpleasant (but not harmful) consequence. If they don’t put the tablet away or willingly hand it to you, they will not get to use it for the rest of the day or at all the next day. When setting this consequence, suggest alternative things they can do. Drawing, reading, playing outside are still options. They may not have well-developed reasoning, so it’s important you clarify that their life will, in fact, go on–even without the tablet. Consequences are unpleasant, but not the be-all, end-all.
So, you set a consequence and restated your boundary. But let’s say that again, your child doesn’t put the device away or give it to you.
At this point, a clear display of authority may be necessary. You can walk over and take the tablet away, yourself. The most important thing to do here is not to fold or budge in your initial boundary; once the boundary and consequence are set, stick to them.
No bargaining the time limit up from 2 hours to 2.5. No extra 5 minutes. If you say that you’re not going to give them the tablet to use the next day, stick to that statement and don’t allow them to use it again until the day after that.
Remember to remind your child of the reasoning behind the boundary–you’re not just randomly depriving them of something that makes them feel good.
It’s common for kids to react in an emotional way when you set a boundary with them. Remember you didn’t do anything wrong, and in fact, you’re doing something helpful by teaching them about boundaries and cooperation.
If they’re upset with you for enforcing a boundary or rule, let them feel those feelings and give them space to do that. Children don’t have control over their emotions in the same way we, adults do, and we shouldn’t expect them to. You can tell them they should take this time to calm down, and that you’ll have a reasonable discussion about what happened, after.
Some people struggle to set boundaries with their children because they struggle to set boundaries in general.
This struggle may arise from any number of drives: from an unmet need to feel accepted, to an internalized belief that it’s just easier to follow along with what others want.
It’s tempting to want to be the fun parent or the relaxed parent–the one that gives your child what they want. When you imagine being a parent, you imagine being adored and appreciated by your kids; but the problem is that kids don’t appreciate much of what’s healthy for them, including boundaries.
Trying not to upset them by loosening boundaries won’t help them as they grow up. They’ll have to unhappily discover that there are regulations and that they have to mold their behavior to all kinds of implicit and explicit boundaries in adult life.
Lax boundaries will not necessarily make children closer to you or more trusting of you, either. It’s just not worth it. You can still be a fun parent, and you can still be the one that your child comes to talk to, even while keeping consistent rules in place. In fact, kids tend to be happier when they have consistency in their lives.
Important to note: your children don’t have control over the household. You can let them give feedback when setting household boundaries, and you can certainly encourage them to communicate their wants and needs, but they don’t make the rules.
Kids should have some level autonomy within reason, but they need to learn that their autonomy is earned through cooperation. They will require this understanding when they enter the “real world.”
Sometimes, you’ll set a boundary, and your kid seems physically incapable of respecting it. In other situations, the boundary you set happens to obstruct you kid’s rightful autonomy. In these events, it’s okay to speak with your child and come up with a creative solution that works for you both. This is called collaborative problem-solving.
If a boundary you initially set doesn’t seem to be working for your household, you can ask your child what their feedback is and come to a collaborative resolution. This isn’t making your child the boss, but rather, it’s coming up with a compromise where they’ll feel involved in setting the rules.
It’s perfectly healthy to ask for feedback from your kids; they’re humans with thoughts and feelings too, and having a say empowers them. Collaborative problem solving is a boundary-setting approach that makes everyone feel seen, heard, and respected.
Boundaries are unavoidable and all around us. The better kids learn to set and work within boundaries, the easier a time they’ll have as they grow up. Remember, you’re not being mean or a bad parent. You’re doing something for them that they’ll benefit from later in life.
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]]>The post Teaching Your Child Self-Advocacy appeared first on Supportiv.
]]>Additionally, everyone’s emotional needs have increased lately. So how can you meet your kid’s needs without neglecting your own? That’s where self-advocacy comes in.
Self-advocacy is the skill of expressing your mental, physical, or emotional needs, in order to actually get them met. Some people might look at self advocating as the skill of asking for help.
There are three important parts of being able to advocate for yourself:
Self-advocacy is a learned skill. We are not innately born with the ability to identify and express our own needs. So no matter what age your child is, you have an opportunity to help them build this ability.
Whether you’re a child or adult, it’s important to learn to express what you need, so that you can receive it. However, for children, learning how to advocate for yourself is absolutely vital.
We, parents, cannot read minds, so kids fare better when they can communicate their needs. Additionally, we have to teach our children this skill, so they can take it into adulthood.
For example, let’s say a child struggles with reading comprehension. Reading comprehension is something that plenty of kids need help with, and a little extra attention often solves the problem. Getting the need met in this case could be as simple as working one on one with a reading tutor.
The point: Even a child with struggles may perform much better with the right help. However, kids may struggle to express the need for help to an adult–or may struggle to understand what they need help with altogether.
How can a child without self-advocacy skills be helped?
Unfortunately, a lot of children don’t learn self advocacy, because their parents and teachers don’t specifically teach them about it. Or worse, children may come to believe their needs are shameful or annoying to authority figures. But there are steps that you can take, to teach your child how to speak up for what they need.
If possible, it’s extremely helpful to start early with teaching your kids how to advocate for themselves. But if you didn’t get the chance to do that, it’s okay. There are still things that you can do now to help your children grasp self-advocacy at a variety of ages.
The general pattern is first, to model for your child how to be an advocate–showing them how you interpret and meet their needs (and your own). Second, you can directly teach self-advocacy skills.
Children are perceptive; they internalize what we do and can pick up on what we’re feeling. So kids may be able to automatically learn self-advocacy from how we, parents, model the behavior.
You can learn to advocate for yourself by first developing a mindfulness of your own emotional needs. From there, modeling self advocacy consists of actively working to notice and honor internal cues and signals you feel, in productive ways. It may not be easy, but it’s important for both you and your child.
In addition to modeling your own self-advocacy, you can also give your child a more direct example by showing them how you advocate on their behalf.
It’s important to show your kids that it’s possible to speak up, so first be diligent and kind in addressing what their needs may be. Reassure them that it’s ok to express what’s wrong, or where they’re having trouble — that it’s ok to have needs, period!
When meeting with a teacher about struggles or accommodations, consider having the child present, so they see there’s nothing shameful about struggling. You can also have phone conversations with administrators and teachers in this scenario. That may help your child understand that you are advocating for them, and that they can advocate for themselves.
Being able to say “I need help” is vital to maintaining mental wellness. While learning self-advocacy helps with family and at school in childhood, the skill will become even more broadly important later in life.
Aside from at school, children can also advocate for themselves with peers in a social dynamic. This skill allows them to function well as they grow up, too.
Self-advocacy is what helps kids say “no” to peer pressure of all kinds. Taken into adulthood, it allows them to reject mistreatment in toxic workplaces and controlling relationships. Self advocacy and related communication skills improve outcomes for romantic relationships, friendships, and even connections in the workplace.
A child may struggle with social issues, or perhaps they have a bully who’s torturing them. Being able to self advocate in an abusive environment or just with peers is extremely crucial for a child. You can show them that this is possible.
Here are two ways that you can help your kids self-advocate around peers:
Your child may feel powerless, especially in a situation where someone is abusing them, but showing your child that they do have power and that it’s possible to assert themselves can really help maintain their mental wellbeing.
Self-advocacy looks different depending on the personality of your child. For example, if you have a child who is more introverted, their attempts at self-advocacy might be a little “quieter” than for an extroverted child.
A shy child might secretly journal their needs, or express them in ways that aren’t verbal–and thus not helpful, even though the child does show a self-advocacy impulse.
Your approach should depend on the nuances of your child’s personality and possibly, their learning style. Try to notice how they naturally approach self-advocacy, and coach them, for example, either to be more vocal (for shy kids) or more patient (for those who over-advocate for themselves).
Howard Gardner identified different kinds of intellectual strengths that can affect an individual’s approach to learning and other areas of life: auditory, visual, bodily-kinesthetic, interpersonal, intrapersonal, naturalistic, logical-mathematical, and musical-rhythmic.
Understand the way that your child gives and receives information, and teach them to advocate in a way that is intuitive to them. Because, again, there’s no one-size-fits-all template to self advocating.
Collaborative problem solving is a technique where you and your child work together to come to solutions. You ask your child what they think is a good solution and how they believe they can get to it.
This is an inspirational way to teach cooperation and self-advocacy. Collaborative problem solving empowers kids by showing them that their input matters. It helps them recognize problems they’re having, and instills in them a will to seek solutions to their problems–including asking for help, if need be.
Cooperative problem solving also helps develop executive functioning, or the ability to logically direct oneself, make decisions, and carry out tasks.
Next time you notice your child struggling, or acting out in problem behavior, see if you can guide them to think about what might be wrong. Find a way to meet the neglected need and come to a resolution together, remembering that your patience will be rewarded.
Taking the time to teach self-advocacy is an investment in your child’s future. Even for children who seem confident and assertive, lessons in self-advocacy help your child express their needs effectively to you, to their peers, and in the adult world.
Your child isn’t going to learn self advocacy overnight. It will be likely years of you modeling the behavior and having them practice it. But the effort is worth it, as they can use these techniques with teachers, peers, and family members–for the rest of their lives.
In addition to your active effort, your child may come to you with questions about how to advocate for themselves–these are great teachable moments. Talk to them about their challenges and help them through in a way that’s actually helpful.
As a last note, don’t feel pressured to be the only one modeling behavior, because there are many people who can support your child along the self advocacy journey.
The expression “it takes a village to raise a child” is true. You do not have to be the only one that shows your child how to advocate for themselves. Many different people in your community can model the behavior. Even your child’s peers can be good models.
All you can do is the best you can as a parent. And you will make mistakes. So will your child, and you can learn from each other. Just remember, you are doing a powerful thing for your child when you teach them to recognize and advocate for their human needs; and it might be a good incentive to advocate for yourself, too!
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]]>The post My Child Has No Friends. What Do I Do? appeared first on Supportiv.
]]>Alternatively, sometimes our children seem to be well-equipped for making friends, but still struggle–leaving us at a loss for what to do.
Friend-making is not impossible for any child, and is an important skill to build for adulthood! Read more about how the ways you can help your kid find community.
Few things can hurt your heart more than realizing that your child has no friends.
Maybe you struggled with friendship growing up, and seeing your child follow that pattern upsets you. You might have been bullied or alienated and worry that your child’s trajectory is following suit.
Alternatively, you may have had a lot of friends growing up, and might be stumped as to why your kid isn’t bonding.
Whatever the reason, it may be within your power to help your child learn to make friends more easily. Find some steps to consider, below.
Children who have trouble making friends may benefit from the use of social scripts. A simple example of providing a social script: telling them that if they see someone they’d like to make friends with, they can approach them during recess and say, “Hi, my name is ___. What’s your name?”
You can also help script other connection-building skills like showing what to say when they make a phone call, or telling them what to do if they see other kids engaging in a game or activity they’d like to be involved in.
Don’t worry that this is an unhealthy way of telling your kid what to do, or that they will just be parroting unfelt words. The scripts you build with your child will morph and shift over time, molding to your kid’s individual personality. They simply constitute a template for your kid to express themselves in a way that’s socially acceptable.
For some people, making a phone call or approaching others comes naturally, but for others, it doesn’t. Not everyone is born a social butterfly, and that’s okay, so remember that even if these skills came naturally for you, it might not be that way for your child.
Particularly for younger children who don’t have friends, it might be helpful for you to talk to teachers or other school employees that your child has regular contact with.
These professionals might be able to give you insight as to why your child doesn’t form connections at school. Maybe, they’ll notice that your child is just shy or reserved in class, or maybe they’ll help identify problematic habits or social behaviors. Alternatively, a teacher or other faculty member might notice a bigger issue such as bullying or developmental delays, which require a higher level of action.
In addition to helping you get to the bottom of the issue, your child’s teachers may be able to support your child in making friends. You can brainstorm ideas together for what might help your child. For example, after a conversation with your child’s teacher, they might be able to encourage your child in class during group activities, or pair them with kids they’re likely to get along with.
Bullying is a serious problem, and not something your child is likely to just “get over.” If your child comes to you about getting bullied, let them know that it is not their fault and that the bully is the one with poor behavior in this situation. No one deserves to get bullied, ever.
If school is where your child is getting bullied, get the school involved. If it’s in another setting, like among neighborhood kids, let the other children’s parents know what their child is saying or doing to your child. Alternatively, consider changing your child’s routine in a way that allows them to avoid those specific children.
In more extreme cases, you may consider switching the school that your child goes to, enrolling them in an alternative school, or taking it upon yourself to homeschool them if they are being bullied. However, changing schools is not an option to be taken lightly. The upheaval and loss of other comforting parts of their school environment may cause even more emotional trouble for a child, and may not solve the initial problem.
Bullying can make it harder to make friends in the future, because it can lead to poor self-esteem, anxiety, or self-consciousness. So again, it is very important that your child knows that the bullying isn’t their fault.
Let them know that bullies are expressing their own struggles in an inappropriate way, and that your child is a hard-working person who makes other people happy. That way, when they enter new social situations, you can say, “You make people so happy – why don’t you go introduce yourself to someone new today?” Inspire confidence in them without being forceful.
For older kids and teens who struggle with friendship, your approach should look different than with children. School officials can’t intervene as well, and social scripting can keep older kids from coming into their own. Additionally, you don’t want to arrange “playdates” for your older child or teenager, because they’ve grown out of this phase. It’s now about “hanging out.”
Instead of directly connecting your kid with individual friends, involve them in clubs, groups and classes. If you’re worried about the cost of such things, must local community centers and libraries offer free courses and activities for youth.
If your child expresses that having no friends bothers them, talk to them about signing up for extracurricular activities. These classes don’t have to be involved with the school. Especially for kids who have trouble at school, or get bullied. it’s way better for them to have something outside of school to look forward to after academics.
It could be anything from private music lessons to cooking classes at your local community center to sports affiliated with institutions outside of the school.
There are also organizations that offer scholarships for extracurricular activities. Make sure it’s something that they’re interested in, and if possible, involve your older kid in deciding what activities they’d enjoy trying.
You don’t have to tell them that you’re encouraging activities for the explicit purpose of making friends. You can instead say that it is because of your work schedule, for example–that while you trust them, you feel safer knowing that they’re at school or in a group rather than being home alone for so long.
While your kid may make friends doing activities they enjoy, remember, no extracurricular is worth potential friends if your teen is miserable about it. Friendship needs to come naturally, and it will when it’s meant to be.
The preteen and teenage years are a tumultuous time. If your child is having trouble connecting with others, they may benefit from seeing a therapist. While it’s not the same as having people their own age to talk to, a counselor or therapist can be a lifeline for kids–especially those struggling with social issues.
There are a variety of different support groups or therapeutic groups that teens can enter. Everything from art therapy groups to groups for specific concerns like social anxiety, to topic-specific online support groups are often available. You can search for these options online, ask your local community for suggestions, or join an anonymous support group online, here.
If you’re worried about your child’s social life or anything else, you might also feel better with some extra support. You can talk to other parents whose kids are struggling, 24/7 and in realtime, here.
Sometimes kids who don’t have friends are bothered by it. Then there are also children who don’t necessarily care. If your child doesn’t have friends at all or has few friends, and you are worried about it but they are not, stop and think. Maybe your kid really doesn’t care.
In that vein, try not to make your kid’s friends an issue if it doesn’t have to be. If you are the one to bring it up to them that they have no friends, and they have never expressed that they are bothered by it themselves, they may internalize it as something to be self-conscious of. Despite your best efforts, calling attention to the issue you perceive might hurt them rather than help them.
You might be tempted to schedule play dates or enroll your kids and after school activities if you see that they don’t have a lot of peers that they’re connected to, but if they are miserable in those after school activities or around those people, then those aren’t the people or the activities for your child. Sometimes making friends is just a matter of waiting for the right people to come along.
Helping when your child has no friends is a collaborative effort. Talk to your child about what makes them happy and what they want to do. If you are extroverted for example, but your child is an introvert, you might have a different idea of what happiness looks like.
You might enjoy being surrounded by people and find that you’re energized by that, whereas your child might be quiet and find a lot of happiness and drawing or learning to code on the computer alone. We are all different, and at the end of the day, if your kid is happy and healthy, you can be grateful for that
There are plenty of people who struggle with social issues as kids and still flourish as adults. Have confidence your kid will develop eventually, in their own time, and make certain they don’t feel broken for their lack of friends.
Parenting comes with anxieties and growing pains, and just as much as your kids need someone to talk to, you might, too. Don’t be afraid to reach out for help if this is something that concerns you. You are not alone, and support is out there.
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]]>The post How To Talk To Your Kids About Your Mental Health appeared first on Supportiv.
]]>Our kids need to be kept safe, healthy, warm, fed, stable, and educated. They need to feel loved, most of all. All of that is more challenging in the era of COVID-19, too; we now have to balance our kids’ needs while being stretched to our limits by unprecedented circumstances.
The job has to get done, one way or another–but in the hustle to care for our kids, we may abandon self-reflection and self-care just to feel adequate.
One solution is to do what you do with other adults in tough times: explain your limitation, and find a mutually agreeable way to accommodate it. Kids have different comprehension abilities at different ages, so you’ll have to explain your struggle in a way they can understand.
This involves being comfortable talking about a simple fact of reality:
Being a parent is a big job, and on top of it, you have personal issues to deal with. We’ve all heard the phrase, “put on your own oxygen mask first,” in regards to our mental health–but when it’s not life-or-death, we’re liable to suck it up and just get through our parenting duties with a fried brain.
When you live with mental health concerns, you manage them the best you can; you might see a therapist, take medication, or do both. Maybe meditation or mindfulness works for you. It’s important to take care of your mental health as a parent, because it allows you to care for your children in the best way possible.
But, what happens when you have a bad mental health day and nothing helps? Kids aren’t totally oblivious, and they probably notice something’s up.
What if your child wants to know what’s going on? What if they blame themselves? In this article, find some tips and ways to explain depression, anxiety, and other mental wellness struggles so that kids can understand.
When you struggle with your mental wellbeing, you might feel unequipped to explain what’s going on–let alone to explain it to a child. You might work on this in therapy and talk to your friends and family members, and that helps. Or you might not have anyone to talk through your problems with. That is difficult in and of itself.
Whether or not you can let your problems out to others, you might have to let them out to your kids; there are some days as a parent where you have a hard day and your kids happen to notice. This is inevitable. Kids are perceptive, and they only become more so as they grow older. So, what do you do?
Regardless of your age group, your child will likely notice how you’re feeling, so it’s important to communicate clearly about your own emotions. They might notice subconsciously, or they might not say anything, but internalizing a sense of guilt and blame for parents’ emotions is pretty common among kids. So it’s important they understand that they’re not responsible for what you’re going through.
No matter what, it’s important to acknowledge and honor your feelings, so your kids can do the same (both for you, and with their own emotions). The first thing to do is to be aware of your emotions and process them the best way you can, so you can better explain them to your child.
How you talk about you mental health with your kids depends on how old your children are and what they’re able to understand. Below are some different variations on how you could handle the situation.
You need to survive, and pushing through depression, for instance, with affected high energy may worsen the situation for everyone involved.
Failing to honor your emotional needs leaves your kids without a model for processing their own emotions and needs. So instead of ignoring what you’re going through, explain in a way your child can understand.
Your toddler might want to play on a day you’re feeling depressed, and it’s difficult for you to explain to them that you don’t quite have as much energy to play as you’d like to. You still love them and want to pay them attention–but it’s hard for you to be excitedly engaged.
If they’re verbal, you can say, “Mommy is feeling down today, and she needs to rest. Let’s do something quiet together.” It’s okay to have your child play with blocks or other quiet toys while you lay down and supervise them. If you need to have them play on a tablet for a bit, that’s okay, too.
If this is a frequent situation for you and you find that you’re feeling down for many days, it’s definitely important to check in with a therapist and let them know what’s happening. They may have specific solutions for your situation.
When you have a child in Kindergarten up to fifth grade, they can understand more of what you’re dealing with. You begin to talk to them about emotional wellness in a more candid way.
Explain that depression is a common condition that affects millions of people, and that we can’t always help the way our emotions feel. Try to describe how your depression feels to you, and acknowledge how it changes your behavior toward your kid. “When I act like _____, I want you to always know that I’m just having a bad depression day. It’s never your fault!”
You can also try explaining your depression in terms of experiences your kid grasps. “Depression feels like when you miss your best friend over Summer break, or even like when you have a flu–except your friend is right there with you, and you’re not sick.”
You can even come up with a depression game plan together. Your child might feel good knowing they can take action to help, even if they didn’t cause your mental health struggle.
Try: “Next time I sleep through my alarm, that probably means I’m depressed. You have full permission to come into my room and give me a biiiiig hug and kiss,” or “On days when I’m depressed, I have to make sure to take good care of myself. Will you be my self-care buddy on days when I feel extra down?”
Again, make very clear that when you feel down, your child didn’t do anything wrong. In fact, nobody really did anything wrong. Instead, depression is a challenge you just live with, like anyone else has challenges. You’re continuing to work on it.
Being transparent, open, and honest with your kids will allow them to do the same toward both you and themselves.
Talking to teenagers about mental health can be tricky. They’re testing boundaries and may become resentful if you have emotional trouble, because they need you do be there for them, even if they’re pushing you away.
Full honesty and acknowledgement of the situation is where to start with teens. You can begin with, “Listen, I know you’re angry,” or “Listen, I know you’re frustrated and sad,” and continue with, “and you’re allowed to feel those ways.”
Next comes the leveling: “But I’m human, and my behavior is because I feel those ways, too. My depression/anxiety/etc is flaring right now, which is out of my control. I’m doing the best that I can not to let it impact you, but you’re my kid, so it does. It’s not always going to be like this, and we’ll work together through it.”
Let them know that if they’re feeling something and want to talk, you are there to listen. They are allowed to express how your mental health impacts them, and you do have to try to minimize that impact on them. You’re not automatically blameless because you’re the parent, or because you’re juggling parenting responsibilities with mental health. But you can ask for a little slack.
Honesty is the best policy, as they say, and being depressed or verbally expressing that you are depressed doesn’t mean you can’t be there for your children. It won’t make your children lose respect for you; in fact, it may accomplish the opposite.
Your depression as a parent just means that you need to be gentle with yourself, and be aware that you’re asking your kids to be patient with you. This may help you afford them the same patience, too!
As a parent, you have a lot of obligations, and you want to be the best parent you can be. If you find that depression is impacting your daily ability to function–or parent–it’s crucial that you seek help for your mental wellbeing. This doesn’t mean you’re broken, crazy, or unfit to be a mom or dad. But failing to acknowledge your own struggles can impede your parenting ability.
Whether you see someone online or in your local neighborhood, seeking therapy or other support matters. Getting treatment for mental health struggles is something you need to do for yourself and your children.
Teaching your kids about your own mental wellness creates a safe environment for them to talk about their own emotions and their own lives. Your honesty will also allow them to empathize with friends and peers who struggle in the future.
Parents aren’t perfect, and neither are children, but we all must do the best we can with what we have. Know that it’s never too late to open up or ask for help, and that there’s always time to be an example for your kids in taking care of your emotional wellbeing.
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]]>Your everyday has revolved around their care for so long, you can’t even remember what life before kids looked like. And now that they’ve flown the nest, you’re left feeling lonely and directionless.
So what do you do when you suddenly become an empty nester, still loved but no longer needed by your adult children? How do you fill the lonely void?
For many, the worst part about becoming an empty nester is the loss of purpose. And that can feeling can throw even the most level-headed of us into a panic – or worse, an existential crisis.
First things first, remember that you’re not alone, that you’re not crazy for feeling lost, and that there are always others who understand your struggle. Here are some examples of how other parents have felt as newly-minted empty nesters.
“You’re given a task. Keep track of these people. So, you do this task diligently. For years. It becomes your life, even though you’re told to not let it become your life. One day, you’re told: don’t do that anymore.”
“My kids have moved out. Really no friends and no dates to speak of. I’m totally alone and I’m over it!”
“I am having trouble coping with my emotions, as I transition with my boy leaving for college, and a hard life left for me at home.”
“I now realize I may have needed her as much as she needed me.”
“I realize that I need to build myself a life apart from my kids”
“It’s a weird feeling.”
Hopefully these perspectives bring light to what you’re going through, and let you know that there’s no shame in feeling lonely and lost after your kids leave home. You’re going through something both common and temporary.
That said, how can you adjust to not being needed? How can you invest in yourself and feel happy as an empty nester?
You spent the past two decades making sure your kids were healthy and strong. Now it’s time to focus on your own physical well being!
Try yoga or hiking to feel energized and stimulated again. These activities also create opportunities to make friends in your same boat.
Just because you’re a certain age doesn’t mean you can’t discover new passions and skills. Online tutorials help, but in-person workshops and classes will help you find a renewed sense of purpose, within a community. Consider taking classes offered by a community center to pursue interests you’ve never had the chance to before, in a social setting.
There are many people trying to fill their empty nests at any given time! Reach out to friends who’ve recently become empty nesters, and find purpose in supporting them as you’d like to be. This also lets you build up meaningful relationships that may have been neglected while your kids were around. If none of your friends can relate, find some fellow empty nesters on Supportiv!
Often, having ‘birds in the nest’ can make it impossible to travel where and when you want to. You don’t have to make a big production, and it doesn’t have to be across the country. But even just exploring historic or popular areas of your city is a great way to invest in your own interests. Feel grateful you can spend as long as you want in your favorite museum or cafe! You’re living for you now.
There are tons of things you can do to cope with Empty Nest Syndrome. However there are a few things you should avoid doing, both for your sake and your child’s.
You might feel tempted to call your child every single day to check up on them. Resist the urge! They need time to explore and be independent, which they can’t do if they have one ear to a phone. And on the other side of the coin, you can’t set out to form your new identity while clinging to your role as ‘active parent.’
Similar to calling, visiting your children too often can cause loads of problems. They have their own space now and it’s important to respect the boundaries that they put up. They have to learn how to run their own lives and what works for them – even if it’s by trial and error. Their roommates or friends may also feel uncomfortable with a parent popping by all the time.
When your child is procrastinating on chores or struggling with a class, you may feel the need to get involved. Unless it’s something serious, hold yourself back – this may be the first time your kid feels the type of consequences that motivate change. Instead of involving yourself directly, you can listen to and validate your child’s frustrations, still being a safe home base figure, without telling them what to do.
“I ask myself this question: What is the best thing I can do for my kid today? The answer is: absolutely nothing. Leave her alone.”
Your child may stop contacting you as much as they find hobbies or get busy with exams. Try not to be jealous in the time you do have with them. Instead of prying or guilting them that they should call more, just value the time you do have together. They’re doing exactly what you raised them to – being independent adults!
Just because all your little birds have flown from the nest doesn’t mean you have to sit around all day. Being an empty nester is an opportunity to love, respect, and work on yourself for a change.
And it’s important to remember that you’re not a bad parent for letting go – you’re doing exactly what you’re supposed to.
So take flight and start your own journey! If talking it out could help, we’re here at Supportiv 24/7 to listen.
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]]>The post Why Is My Teen So Mean To Me? appeared first on Supportiv.
]]>Just as your emotions and environment impact your behavior, the same goes for teens – especially emotionally tuned-in teens.
It doesn’t have to be your fault or theirs–sometimes our very real, human emotions simply escape the control of our better judgement. But there are ways to encourage a better relationship with your teenager, depending on what’s blocking good feelings between you two.
Below is a list of potential reasons why your teenager is so mean to you, and what you can do to get along better with your teen.
Parents commit to their jobs for 18+ years with no breaks; of course a little youthful perspective is going to be lost over so much time without stepping back.
If you model an interest in your teen, they might model that same interest back to you — and that’s how quality friendships are born.
Sometimes, the loss of perspective over time can keep you from relating to your kid. Parents have a ton on their plates, often leaving little time to keep up with kids’ culture; and since the advent of the internet, cultural norms and trends shift more quickly than ever before.
One reason it can be hard for teens to relate to their parents, and vice versa, is that there isn’t a shared cultural perspective to bond over. But you can work to connect better.
To bridge this gap, try to learn about your teen’s culture — favorite music, popular websites, memes — just to learn more about her world and what makes her tick.
Reddit is a great place to start, where subreddits like r/teenagers openly encourage parents to involve themselves and ask questions in an open forum.
If you model an interest in your teen, they might model that same interest back to you–and that’s how quality friendships are born, anyway.
If you come from a place of ‘interacting with your teen,’ the exchange is going to be different than if you come at it as ‘interacting with Sarah, a teenager who’s into dancing and prides herself on her sense of humor — who also happens to be my daughter.’
You may not realize it, but you’re putting pressure on yourself, on your kid, and on the interaction between you, when you approach the situation with the goal of having an amazing parent-child relationship.
Just like you might feel uncomfortable bonding with a boss who just wants a happy work culture but doesn’t actually care about your conversations; your teenager might feel preyed upon by your interest in a relationship before understanding who they are.
Instead, see your teen first as a whole person, as a quasi-peer you want to know better; then, as your child and subordinate.
In summary, consider swapping the order of your priorities when socializing with your teen. Get to know them as a person first. It may help improve your teenager’s angry, mean, or disrespectful behavior toward you.
We tend to forget, as adults, but the teenage years are filled with constant internal change, while still figuring out how to process external change.
Anger and bitterness almost always come from a place of fear and uncertainty.
All that change is confusing, if nothing else. When we’re confused and scared (even if it’s just internally) about a whole world unfolding in front of us, and all the new responsibilities that comes with, we may easily snap.
We may let our vulnerability out as anger–in our emotional brains, it feels safer that way, even if it’s not the most productive in the end. But it’s important to remember that anger and bitterness almost always come from a place of fear and uncertainty.
Both you and your teenager are human, but…animal and human emotions come from similar shared brain structures.
Think of how a frightened or overwhelmed dog or cat reacts to approach. Even before sniffing you out, they may growl, snarl, and feel generally threatened — they fear the risk of calmly assessing the situation, so they jump to defensive or even offensive behavior.
People operate in similar ways, but the cause and effect isn’t always as obvious.
Because our human brains are so complicated, “safety” isn’t always just on the surface. A person can be fed, housed, clothed, and still feel like they can’t completely relax.
We don’t always know what’s keeping us on edge; in fact, we usually don’t even realize that we’re on edge. Often, social factors keep us feeling closed off, self-conscious, or isolated. And when we feel socially “unsafe,” we react more upon instinct than reason.
So, think of how to make your kid feel deeply safe–both physically and emotionally–through all these changes. Show them (don’t just tell) that you are their safe home base.
Show them that you want to learn about them without judgement, that you love them unconditionally. And make clear that you’re there to help cushion the blows, while they learn “how to adult.”
While you’re their parent whom they love, you’re also an authority figure with the power to hurt or abandon them. So by helping your son or daughter feel emotionally safe in your relationship, you help your child not to snap immediately into defensive mode when approached by you.
You can try to talk to them about her perspective on big changes they’re going through. But make sure to lead with how you felt during your teenage years. Not in a lecturing tone, but just in an attempt to level with your teen as a quasi-peer.
Let them know this is a conversation between two people who have experienced similar things at different times–not just a parent prying for information.
Even if your teenager doesn’t feel comfortable opening up to you, encourage them to let out their most difficult emotions somewhere.
The simple act of getting heavy thoughts off their chest may help them relax and feel better about the world. And that can turn your interactions from mean to meaningful.
In the same vein, connecting with your peers may also help you gain insight into the relationship–or at least feel heard by someone other than your cranky teenager.
A lot of parents struggle to communicate with their teens, and it might feel good to share your story in a space where everyone understands the struggle.
Companies like Supportiv offer free peer support to teens, 24/7 (more info on that here). And for parents, it’s free for the first 24 hours.
After clicking ‘Chat Now,’ enter your thoughts, emotions, or what you and your daughter just fought about. You’ll be put into a live chat in under 2 minutes, and you’ll get to talk to people who get it, all anonymously.
We hope things improve soon, and we’ll be here 24/7 to talk it out on the bad days.
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