For real this time, browse or use the table of contents below to learn what gaslighting is, where it can show up, how to spot it, and most importantly: how to deal with it.

• What Is Gaslighting?
• In What Kinds of Relationships Might I Experience Gaslighting?
  • Gaslighting in Romantic Relationships
  • Gaslighting In Families
• Signs Of Gaslighting: A Checklist
• How To Reject Gaslighting
  • Fact-Check Your Gaslighter 
    • Your Memory Isn’t As Bad As They Want You To Believe
  • Call Out Personal Attacks
  • Develop a Strong Sense of Your Own Reality
  • Recognize The Narcissist’s Prayer
• In Parting…

There are people out there who get it. Before diving in, remember you always have support, here.

What Is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting is intentionally making someone think they’re wrong, even when they’re right.

People gaslight others on a spectrum, and the behavior can include questioning your logical thoughts, making you doubt your perceptions, or outright denying the reality you experience.

The word comes from a 1940s movie called Gaslight, in which a guy makes his girlfriend question her experiences and view of the world to such a strong extent, that she starts ‘going crazy.’

We don’t know if there’s a proper term for it, but to make discussion easier, we’ll call the perpetrator a ‘gaslighter.’ And when someone does it to you, it’s called ‘being gaslighted.’ 

If someone in your life is causing you to question your own reality or making you distrust your own logic, you’re probably experiencing gaslighting.

If this is what you’re going through, we’re happy you made it to this article. You’re obviously resisting manipulation, and we’re confident you can push back to deal with gaslighting in your life.

In What Kinds of Relationships Might I Experience Gaslighting?

Gaslighting in Romantic Relationships

Emotionally abusive partners love to gaslight – they most often do it to make you overlook their mistreatment or questionable actions. 

For instance, you might suspect your partner is cheating because they came home extra late, after you went to bed, every night last week. When you bring it up to them, they say they got home at a normal time – which you know not to be the case. When you question them further, they dismiss you and insist, telling you that you must’ve been dreaming. 

Narcissistic gaslighting preemptively invalidates protests against unfair treatment.

This kind of gaslighting in relationships can even take a more malicious turn. Instead of casually telling you what you experienced was just a dream, they might powerfully argue that they didn’t get home late, and that you’re going crazy. 

They could go so far as to argue that you two went to sleep at the same time — you must be ‘losing it’! And with them arguing so emphatically… how could you not question your own perspective even a little bit?

To a manipulative partner, gaslighting you like this serves three purposes: it makes you question your reality, it forces you to rely on their version of events, and it makes you trust your own perceptions less in the future.

Gaslighting In Families

Unfortunately, parents gaslight their children all too frequently. Sometimes it’s just an easy way for parents to assert their authority or keep order in the house (think of a parent telling a 3 year old that there are no cookies left, even though there was just a giant jar on the counter). 

Other times, it’s a consequence of needing to make quick decisions and dismissing a child’s valid perspective.

And unfortunately, in many cases, it’s more of a conscious, concerted effort to keep a family member from their rightful, equal status.

Narcissistic parents tend to create a culture of gaslighting, in which they regularly question or deny the perceptions of their children. This narcissistic gaslighting preemptively invalidates protests against unfair treatment. 

If you’re always wrong, your assertions of unfair treatment or objections to abuse don’t mean a whole lot. And that’s what the strategy is all about: making your voice count less, because it’s advantageous to the gaslighter.

Signs Of Gaslighting: A Checklist

Bring whomever you’re dealing with to mind, and see if you recognize any of the following signs of gaslighting behavior.

• They consistently disagree with details that mean they aren’t right.
• They question your facts, doubling down in the face of evidence.
• They tell you that you don’t see the world the right way – that their view is a better version of the truth.
• They say they don’t trust your perception because you’ve been wrong before. 
  • We all make mistakes on a daily basis. We don’t lose all our credibility from a couple errors, and even if we are wrong a lot, those who love us seek to understand why we perceive the world as we do.
• They invalidate what you say when it keeps them from getting their way.

Gaslighting also shows in some characteristic phrases, thrown out by your gaslighter:

• You don’t know what you’re talking about!
• You can’t take a joke.
• You’re crazy!
• You are just too sensitive.
• That wouldn’t hurt my feelings.
• I’m not raising my voice! (while yelling at you…)

Tips For Pushing Back Against Gaslighting

Fact-Check Your Gaslighter 

When an abusive boyfriend, girlfriend, or parent tries to dismiss your take on things, you may not be able to convince them to stop. But you can show them that you’re not going to blindly accept their false perspective.

For example, they say you were asleep and wouldn’t know what happened? Ask them what time they think you went to sleep.

They say you are too sensitive? Ask if they would say the same thing to someone else (and if they say yes, make them follow through and ask that someone else).

You’ll be calling their bluff, and bringing your own evidence to the table. This approach lets them know you’re just as in touch with reality as they are.

Your Memory Isn’t As Bad As They Want You To Believe

Remember that we all have gaps in our memory – but rarely are the gaps so big that you can’t remember important things.

Gaslighters often try to use your past mistakes to claim you’re never right. But when they say you couldn’t remember what you had for breakfast, so you obviously don’t remember last night’s fight properly? That is, in all likelihood, BS. 

While it’s normal to forget small daily activities or inconsequential events, your memory is much less likely to fail you when important emotions are involved.

‘Emotional salience’ refers to how much of an impact an event has on your emotional state and wellbeing. The brain encodes emotionally salient memories more strongly and more efficiently than everyday occurrences.

So next time your gaslighter says you were too emotional to remember clearly, share that knowledge with them. 

Call Out Personal Attacks

When you push back against their narrative, a gaslighter often tries to question other perspectives of yours, or to argue that you’re generally untrustworthy. They make an effort to assassinate your character.

This is called an ad hominem logical fallacy, and it’s so characteristic of abuse, it’s often just called ‘personal abuse.’ You could even say that gaslighting is simply a veiled ad hominem attack, and that resisting makes a manipulator show their true colors.

Develop a Strong Sense of Your Own Reality

Especially when the gaslighting is about manipulative behavior or actual abuse, documenting your experience (or at least telling a neutral third party as things come up) becomes paramount.

You can keep a journal of your interactions with the gaslighter. Or, make a running timeline with dates and specific occurrences. That way, you have concrete evidence of what happened, what was said, when, and how you felt about it. You can show your gaslighter exactly why you feel the way you feel now.

If you want to check that you’re not going crazy in the moment, reach out to an understanding friend, or visit an anonymous support group where the other people will get what’s going on.

By giving a play-by-play to a third party as things happen, you can make sure you’re not distorting everything in your own head.

Recognize The Narcissist’s Prayer

No matter how bad gaslighting feels, and no matter how wrong we know it is, manipulative people can convince us we’re just imagining our own mistreatment. Because manipulation is a narcissist’s modus operandi, their gaslighting behavior can help spot a narcissist — and vice versa.

So here’s one more check, to see if you’re being treated fairly or not. See if the following sounds like how your potential gaslighter reacts to you:

That didn’t happen.
And if it did, it wasn’t that bad.
And if it was, that’s not a big deal.
And if it is, that’s not my fault.
And if it was, I didn’t mean it.
And if I did…
You deserved it.

This progression of replies (posted to Reddit by u/socialanxietylol) is known as “The Narcissist’s Prayer,” and it illustrates two things: 

1. Gaslighting is the first tool in a narcissist’s toolbox (though it can, less often, be used by non-narcissists), and
2. Gaslighting is usually part of a systematic effort to invalidate your perspective, your needs, your wants, and your emotions. Truth doesn’t matter to a gaslighter, so their version of truth constantly changes.

Get an anti-gaslighting reality check, in an anonymous, understanding chat.

In Parting…

It may feel hard to accept that your partner, sibling, or parent is gaslighting you. Because it’s so difficult to counter their manipulation, it probably feels easier to just accept it and move on.

However, we encourage you not to resign yourself to mistreatment, manipulation, or emotional abuse.

Our parting words: don’t accept gaslighting and manipulation. If you need more reasons not to believe your gaslighter, join an anonymous support chat at Supportiv. Click Chat Now, enter what’s going on, and you’ll be connected in less than 2 minutes.

Your peers and well-trained moderators can help you sort out truth from fiction. Connecting with accepting people helps you understand the value of your own perspective.

The post Gaslighting: Signs, Situations, and Tips For Pushing Back appeared first on Supportiv.

Though managing symptoms through coping mechanisms may work temporarily, coping is not a long-term solution. Healing, on the other hand, means making long-term changes that allow us to thrive, rather than just barely survive. 

We can all work through our trauma and its effects on us, at least to a degree. If you’re feeling unable to move from coping to healing, find inspiration and ideas below, for how to transition when you’re ready. 

Why is coping not enough?

We talked a little about the difference between coping and healing above, but let’s delve a little deeper to really understand why the distinction is important. 

Coping entails managing your symptoms in order to merely make it through and survive another day.

Coping mechanisms are commonly encouraged by those around us. They are socially acceptable methods of dealing with our problems, because they don’t require any major disruptions to our lives. However, coping methods act more as bandages than antidotes.

We are encouraged to engage in coping because at surface-level, it seems to take fewer resources and less of a toll on ourselves and those around us.

Coping is often quick and easy, but not always the healthiest method to consistently deal with your mental health. In small doses, it can be really helpful. But it only provides short-term relief and, if abused, can impede healing and long-term adaptation.

Coping isn’t enough because it’s stagnant. It can be a decent temporary relief, but it won’t do anything for you long term. It’s like putting a bandaid on a wound that doesn’t heal – you might stop seeing the injury for a bit, but you’ll go through countless bandaids and eventually the bandaids won’t be enough to deal with the problem. 

Coping is the quick fix that actually may be exacerbating your symptoms, whereas healing means growth and change.

So why’s healing so important?

Instead of just existing and trying to push through, learning to heal can help you work through your issues and improve your quality of life.

Healing is the long journey to get to the root of the problem and trying to work through it, to the best of your ability. Healing requires a lot more energy than coping, and can also take an emotional toll during the process.

Though resources for healing can feel harder to come by compared to coping resources, they do exist and will do more for you in the long run. The rewards of healing are plentiful and well worth the work. 

Examples of Coping Mechanisms

Coping mechanisms are often little everyday things we do to help ourselves deal with our struggles. They can be conscious or unconscious, and can range from things we put into our bodies to the people we surround ourselves with. A few examples of coping mechanisms that people often use are:

• Humor
• TV, books, music, etc.
• Lowering expectations
• Individualized self-care
• Avoidance
• Denial
• Food
• Alcohol 
• Drugs
• Venting
• Gettings comfort/help from others
• Exercising
• Engaging in problem solving strategies
• Self-blame

A lot of these don’t seem bad, right? That’s because some of them aren’t.

Coping mechanisms aren’t bad – in moderation. If reading a good book or going on a jog can help you relax during a stressful time, then by all means go for it. The problem is when we rely on coping too much and don’t address the problems at hand. But coping mechanisms that involve harmful substances or impulsivity can make the symptoms of your trauma worse, creating a toxic cycle.

Examples of Healing Strategies

Healing strategies take intention and effort – both in order to seek them out but also to go through with them and make them a part of your life. The following are some healing strategies that are commonly used:

• Mindfulness
• Setting boundaries 
• Identifying your needs and expressing them 
• Mindfulness Self-Compassion (MSC)
• Metta Prayer
• Therapy
• Peer support
• Self-compassion
• Introspection
• Gratitude journaling
• Trauma sensitive yoga

Healing strategies can seem less accessible than coping – it’s easier to watch a silly movie and forget about your day than to delve deep into your mental health struggles with a therapist. However, a huge part of learning healing strategies through gratitude journaling and any of the techniques above is also discovering how to incorporate them more easily in your daily life.

Basic Principles of Healing

There are a lot of different basic principles of healing that circulate, but a few stand out as running themes. The following are five basic principles to guide you during your journey to healing:

• Acceptance: Learning to accept your surroundings, your feelings, and yourself as a person can help give you some relief from being at an internal war with yourself and the outside world. This is easier said than done, but working towards this can lead you on the path to healing and reduce feelings of anger, anxiety, self-blame, etc.
• Gratitude: Practicing gratitude has been linked to reducing anxiety and depression symptoms, as well as improving our dissatisfaction with not having the things that we want. 
• Patience: This healing process is long and ongoing, so patience is key during it. Results may not come fast, but they will come and will be worth the wait. See this less as a journey with a hard deadline and more as a way of life that will help you heal yourself and keep healing throughout the rest of your life.
• Forgiveness: A lot of pain can be bottled up in being angry and upset at someone or something, and can exacerbate your symptoms. You may have every right to be angry, but ultimately it hurts you, not whatever it is you are upset about. Letting go can help you release some unnecessary negativity in your life, so that you can continue on the journey to healing.
• Mindfulness: Mindfulness is all about learning how to be in tune with your body and your emotions. Learning how to incorporate mindfulness practices into your daily life can help you understand your needs, your feelings, your triggers, etc.

Healing is hard, but it is worth it. Be patient with yourself and the process. You are worth the time and effort of growing and building a life you can love — not just tolerate.

The post From Coping To Healing: Making The Transition appeared first on Supportiv.

How Trauma Changes Us

I am a trauma survivor. In October of 2016, I survived an assault, and prior to that, I’d undergone a very substantial amount of trauma during my childhood and teen years that had already left me with a diagnosis of PTSD. 

In my life, I have met a lot of other people who have survived trauma, and what always strikes me about these individuals is the resiliency and wisdom that they carry.

I have met people who are extraordinarily happy despite having been through tremendous amounts of trauma; at the same time, I have met people who identify with no substantial hardship, who feel as though life is happening to them, they’re trapped, or they are just generally unhappy.

That said, there is no value judgement on whether or not we’ve experienced trauma. We all have our own path, and you don’t have to go through tragedy to suffer or to grow.

But while trauma is not a virtue, it can be a unique teacher–of very important lessons that all of us need to learn, trauma or not. Many survivors take these lessons from their life circumstances or from piecing themselves back together after threatening or painful experiences.

What Is Post Traumatic Growth? 

Post-traumatic growth (or PTG) is a positive form of psychological growth or change that occurs in an individual following trauma. This trauma can be complex, or it can follow an emotional “sentinel event” that forces you to shift your way of living. The theory of post traumatic growth promotes the possibility that after trauma, a person can reconstruct their sense of themselves, others, and the world around them to be more helpful and optimistic than even before the trauma.

We often hear about people who come into peace, develop a new sense of confidence, go through a spiritual awakening, or have a new appreciation for life after experiencing a traumatic event. All of these experiences could be considered post-traumatic growth.

The Five Areas Of Post Traumatic Growth

Developed in the 1990s, the Post Traumatic Growth Inventory was built to measure positive outcomes that can occur for people post-trauma. The inventory contains 21 questions that relate to the following five areas which show most potential for growth after trauma:

• Personal strength and confidence
• Openness to new possibilities 
• Relationships with others 
• Appreciation of life
• Spiritual change 

Not everyone who survives trauma experiences post-traumatic growth, but research has shown that those who have undergone trauma are more likely to experience these types of positive growth, than those who haven’t. Nobody thinks trauma is a good thing; but post-traumatic growth opportunities can be seen as proof of your own resilience after going through such pain.

Another way to look at it: proof of your own strength

As someone who has undergone it myself, the way that I like to view post-traumatic growth is that the growth you experience isn’t something that the trauma gave to you; rather, it’s something that you give to yourself and that trauma simply allowed you to do.

Post-traumatic growth is the process of focusing not on the helpless feeling of trauma, but instead, focusing on what you can do for yourself after the fact. It’s your opportunity for self-directed reclamation.

That said, post-traumatic growth doesn’t develop overnight after a trauma. All forms of growth take time, and this time can be painful. The time between a traumatic event and the realization of post-traumatic growth is called liminal space.

Ok, So What Is Liminal Space?

There is a space between trauma and the eventual feeling of growth from it; that period, from point A to point B, is called the liminal period, also referred to as liminal space. 

It’s a chrysalis-like stage; and while it may be corny to say that things have to get worse before they get better, it’s often true.

The word “liminality” refers to a transitional state of being, or a transitional period of time in one’s life. In regard to trauma, this is really the “hard part,” where a survivor must open themselves to realization, recalibration, and rebuilding in order to heal.

When talking about trauma specifically, liminality or liminal space relate to the often uncomfortable stage of time between the period where the trauma takes place and the time before post-traumatic growth is fully-fledged, or has begun at all.

It’s a chrysalis-like stage; and while it may be corny to say that things have to get worse before they get better, it’s often true. 

Why is the transitional or liminal period so painful?

The work done in a liminal space is that of accepting a new perspective on the world–and for some, living in a liminal space may feel too hard to bear.

As we discuss the topic of post-traumatic growth, it’s vital to talk about liminal space. It’s so crucial to acknowledge this time because we can’t expect ourselves to heal overnight. Even though it feels like the pain should be over once the traumatic event ends, we have to mourn and rearrange the scraps of our lives before we can start anew.

Recognizing Liminality As Temporary

Depending on what kind of trauma you went through, there is a lot of work to do before you can really process what happened. That could be paperwork, police reports, cleaning out a deceased loved one’s house, moving to a new place, or just scrambling to survive and pay the bills. 

When you finally do get a break from all of that, you are tired. You’re exhausted from all of the tangible, physical things that you’ve had to complete, many of which are so heart-wrenching that no one should ever have to do them. You had to do these things, with the crushing weight of trauma on top of you. So when they’re done, you crash, and all of the feelings that you were too busy to process begin to hit.

After trauma, that time of tiredness and mourning characterizes liminality. It’s a strange and tumultuous time, but it’s valuable. And although it is a sensitive and unsure state to be in, it won’t last forever.

Liminal Opportunities For Growth

The liminal space between trauma and post traumatic growth is both uncomfortable and necessary for a new beginning. Liminal periods in life are opportunities to look at where you’ve been and decide how to move forward. It’s your chance to put things in perspective and decide who you’ll be from now on.

You aren’t obligated to be solely positive right now; it’s expected that you feel your feelings, and it’s healthy to do so. But remember that this difficult time is something you can work with. With respect to all of the pain it comes with, liminality does mark a time of opportunity in the purest sense of the term.

Looking Forward While Respecting Your Trauma 

Post-traumatic growth adds a whole new dimension to the idea of “growing pains.” It’s not something to force along, and it’s also not about putting on a happy face all of the time. You don’t owe that to anyone, nor will it help you.

Post-traumatic growth, and having a positive outlook in general, doesn’t mean forgetting your trauma, dismissing it, or painting something awful that happened to you in a totally optimistic light.

Growth can coexist with the fact that what happened to you sucked. You don’t even have to believe that it happened for a reason to take something positive from it.

Ultimately, the people who assaulted me are not the ones to thank; I am.

As mentioned earlier, tragedy and pain aren’t required for us to grow and shape our lives more consciously. However, trauma often teaches us that we have only one life to live. In the case of some traumatic events, you do have a brush with death in a very literal sense, but with other forms of trauma, that’s not the case.

Whether your trauma is physical, mental, emotional, or all three, it does typically come with some sense of loss. Whether that’s the loss of your old routines, an important relationship, your innocence, or who you used to be, your loss is valid, and will come with a multitude of feelings and life changes. What you’re experiencing is real and deserves to be recognized–please don’t let anyone make you feel anything less than validated in your pain.

Tip: give yourself credit

As someone who has experienced post-traumatic growth myself, I find it helpful to distinguish myself from my trauma when I talk about these things. Instead of chalking my growth up to what happened to me, I give myself the credit for my growth.

Ultimately, the people who assaulted me are not the ones to thank; I am. Before my trauma, I couldn’t give myself that kind of credit. As many of us are, I was shy to credit myself or proclaim what I liked about myself. But since my trauma, I have learned the value of being able to recognize myself, especially when it comes to personal development and growth.

Post traumatic growth allowed my outlook and personality to change substantially, allowing me to be more generous and kind toward myself. Framing it this way is something that allows me to respect my trauma and use it to be stronger and more resilient at the same time.  

Ways To Ease The Pain So You Can Start To Grow 

Trauma has a way of making you realize that life is something to be cherished. You will grow as you process trauma, but you might also cry. A lot.

You might mourn silently, or you might spend weeks or months staying stagnant in a cocoon-like state. Maybe that’s what you have to do.

At the very least, you have to experience your emotions, you have to grieve, and you have to rest. Both the pain and the payoff are important, and healing from trauma shouldn’t be a battle between optimism and negativity. It’s ok to feel all of the things that you’re going through right now. These feelings are simple facts of your reality, and you don’t need to change or power through them. But some steps may be necessary so that you can experience the growth trauma may unlock.

Here are some tools that you can use to grow, work through the liminal space, and feel your feelings all at once. 

Radical Acceptance

In therapy, we often talk about radical acceptance, and when we talk about radical acceptance, we’re generally referring to learning to accept what we can’t change about ourselves. It doesn’t mean we like what we can’t change; it just means that we won’t vie for control that we don’t have.

Radical acceptance is about focusing on what is in our power, and changing that–rather than wrestling with the inevitable, which only leaves us feeling hopeless. During the liminal period, we don’t always feel powerful, but we are. This is where you start creating your life’s map. This is where you let go of all of the arbitrary restrictions holding you back and decide that you’re going to live your life to the fullest, whatever that means for you.

I was a mess when I was living in the liminal space. From the outside looking in, I’m not sure that the people around me thought that I was going to be okay. I reflect on who I was during that time in my life and see that I was a determined person who was rapidly growing despite how I appeared to those around me. Those around me hadn’t experienced what I did, and I had to remind myself that I knew my own perspective best.

Be gentle with yourself, and understand that growth, like healing, is not linear. 

Inner Child Work

Inner child work can be incredibly important post-trauma, because it’s all about how you treat yourself. It helps to imagine your inner child, as a template to be gentle with yourself the way that you would be with a child. After trauma, we are like children, in that we’re just learning to live in a world that feels very new. To do work with your inner child, you can imagine how you’d treat a little cousin, or even yourself as a child, in this situation.

Give yourself the same compassion that you would give to a little kid who is hurting. How would you help them feel as safe as possible right now? Inner child work is something that you can do in therapy, or at least start on in therapy, and it’s also something that you can do the bulk of yourself. 

Peer Support

Sometimes, there’s no better form of support than from people who have been there themselves. You can find people online (anonymously, like here at Supportiv) or in your area that have been through similar forms of trauma to talk to. You can also come to supportive friends or family members. Tell them what you’re struggling with and where you’d ultimately like to be. Let them be there for you, and thank the people around you that make an effort to understand.

Therapy 

One of the first things that I did after I started to move out of the liminal space was ask my doctor for a referral to see a therapist. I didn’t necessarily know what my goals were in therapy, but having been through trauma previously, I knew that therapy was something that could help me. It did. I had an excellent trauma-informed therapist, which is exactly what I recommend looking for if you are healing from trauma.

Now Is The Time To Think About What You Want (and deserve)

Your actions and the ability to change your life are in your hands, so take this time to think about what you truly need to feel whole. Think about who you want to be.

My post-traumatic growth looked like this–I gained:

• the ability to stand up for myself,
• a heightened sense of humility that allowed me to apologize with ease, and
• the realization that I could make a difference in the world.

I always believed that every single person had power, but before my trauma, I couldn’t seem to extend that to myself. After trauma, I realized I deserved more; I became confident and started believing in myself.

Trauma made me realize I could’ve lost it all by dismissing my own needs–and that motivated me to learn to put myself first.

Your post-traumatic growth may not look like mine. It’s different for everyone. But ultimately, growing through trauma means asking yourself, “What am I going to do for myself now? How can I be the best person that I can be, for my own sake?” 

Post-traumatic growth not only creates an opportunity for positive change, but it shows you that you can change, period. Our lives are meant to be spent evolving, and trauma can clarify how unbounded your growth capacity really is.

You get to keep growing for the rest of your life if you choose to do so. The pain of trauma is a loss, but it also spurs a beginning. What will you do with it?

The post After Trauma: Post Traumatic Growth and Liminal Space appeared first on Supportiv.

In this guide, we discuss where anger comes from, how to understand your own anger, and how to use anger as motivation for healing. Healing from anger is very different from ignoring or stuffing it down.

Additionally we want to note that while this article may also apply to feelings of anger in everyday life, anger at systemic injustice is a different story. It shouldn’t be on you to manage these feelings; the pressure is on the entire system to change. 

We will stop being angry about injustice in America, especially toward Black and POC communities, when there is fundamental positive change toward equality and fair treatment.

The function of anger

Negative emotions signal that a change is necessary. In whatever way we can, we want to change our lived experience to decrease the sadness, frustration, loneliness, or anger that we feel. Most of these negative emotions trigger an avoidance response, meaning an increased motivation to escape obstacles or situations. Anger, on the other hand, triggers an approach response, meaning an increased motivation to overcome obstacles or change situations. 

Because of anger’s motivational capacity, anger is often a useful emotion that results in:

• increased effort toward reaching goals
• increased investment of time and money
• increased drive to change other people’s behavior

As such, anger serves to catalyze individual and societal change. Without anger, we would be more passive people, missing a key driving force toward improvement.   

When anger becomes self-destructive

However, when we are unable to use our anger to make changes in our life or the world, it internalizes and begins to tear us down from the inside out. Anger, which starts as a driving force for external change, becomes a lingering internal emotion that only frustrates and hurts. Unfortunately, Black and POC Americans may even experience the intergenerational impacts of internalized righteous anger and frustration. (This even holds true in colored communities across the globe, for example, folks of Aboriginal descent in Australia)

Here are some of the signs of more serious issues that can occur when anger remains unprocessed: 

• you feel frustrated, lost, and stuck
• you feel your anger is out of control
• your anger damages your relationships
• your anger leads you to do or say things you regret
• your body hurts after you get angry
• you regularly feel like you’re going to explode

In these cases, your held-in anger is unleashed on your own wellbeing, escaping by unproductive outlets that will do nothing to change the root cause of your frustration. The combination of negative consequences and a lack of positive changes can further increase feelings of anger, creating a destructive loop. To break the cycle and get back to the root of your feelings, anger must be reflected on and processed.

The biggest tip for harnessing righteous anger: use it to motivate healing

Use it to motivate healing.

When you’re the victim of injustice, anger can be used to self-motivate. If nobody is going to treat you how you deserve, you had better learn to assert your boundaries, understand your own needs, and advocate for yourself. These are all aspects of more general emotional healing that can help put righteous anger to use.

In reflecting on infuriating circumstances, pay special attention to your desired outcomes. Start with outcomes that relate to your personal wellbeing. In the wake of large-scale injustice, your ultimate goal is systemic change, but talking about your anger might bring you the peace you need to continue fighting. Letting things out and processing tough emotions may help you cope with your anger, while you work toward the change that can heal it.

Lastly, do not let your anger compound by getting frustrated with yourself for feeling the way you do. People tend to think hiding their anger is the right thing to do; but when you’re angry at objectively unfair and biased treatment, anger becomes a tool for creating change. Anger is normal and understandable, and it can confirm a gut feeling that you’re being mistreated.

 To channel intense feelings, embrace your righteous anger as a motivator, and as the antidote to gaslighting. 

NPR provides a list of ways to channel righteous anger into productive change, here.

“As discussions about police violence and systemic racism continue, African American leaders say it’s crucial for people to find a way to safely process both historical and current events and get help when they need it,” according to this article. And Black mental health leaders are actively working to create healing spaces to turn to in these threatening times.

Remember to give yourself patience and time — processing anger isn’t easy or simple. Especially not when it’s so deeply justified, and when Brianna Taylor’s killers have still not been arrested. No justice, no peace.

The post Healing From Injustice By Channeling Righteous Anger appeared first on Supportiv.

In order to heal and make meaningful changes to your life, you have to recover your sense of self. Without rebuilding a strong sense of self, healing attempts may lead you further from your actual needs. Rediscovering who you are and what you need takes time, but can help guide you in rebuilding a better life.

Who are you?

Here’s an important question we might not think to ask ourselves: 

Who are you? 

Once you know yourself, you can move forward and strive to get what you want. So it’s worth reexamining your inner world.

We all have things we like and don’t like about ourselves. You might be a great leader or an articulate speaker. Perhaps you’re a talented artist or someone who is good with numbers. Everyone has talents, and it’s crucial to understand those strengths and embrace them. Knowing what you’re good at will help you feel more confident. 

In addition to your strengths, each person has flaws. It’s easy to fall into the trap of self-deprecation; you’re not good at something, so you humorously rag on yourself.

Just because you don’t excel in a certain area doesn’t mean it needs to impact your self-worth. Each person is good at different things.

So it’s time to take inventory. What are your strengths? What can you offer the world? Make a list of these attributes to remind yourself who you are and where you want to go.

Where does your sense of self come from?

Strengths vs flaws are not the be-all end-all of your sense of self. At the beginning of your healing process, also consider the life circumstances that magnified your flaws and nurtured your strengths.

You’ll want to seek a future that embodies the potential of your strengths, allowing you to grow without encouraging unhelpful patterns.

For example, a dysfunctional family may have made you territorial about your possessions and fearful of conflict. You can’t heal if you’re still around dysfunctional people; you can’t learn to trust them, because they’re not trustworthy. Staying in such a situation, your body learns to expect dysfunction, and healing becomes much harder.

Understanding your personal truth helps you give yourself the benefit of the doubt, and avoid repeating past pitfalls.

With this knowledge, you also have a guide for building your future. You’ll want to surround yourself with people who naturally understand others’ boundaries, and who solve routine problems without unnecessary conflict.

What can break down your sense of self?

Mistakes

Mistakes are inevitable. We all make blunders, hurt people, fuck up, or anger the ones we love. That’s a part of life.

It’s crucial to accept that you will make mistakes, and mistakes make you human. Otherwise, you’ll find yourself ruminating, overthinking, or regretting your choices.

It’s natural to look back at your mistakes and wonder what you could have done differently. Unfortunately, at this moment, time travel isn’t possible. We can only work with what’s happening right now. You can’t change the past, but you can control your actions in the present.

How NOT to internalize mistakes:

When you realize you made an error, you don’t have to beat yourself up; but it’s important to apologize and make amends. Also, remember that there are times when people won’t accept your apology. That’s okay, as long as you tried the best that you could. Ask yourself, “did I do everything in my power to remedy this situation?” If the answer is yes, then you can move forward and start to forgive yourself. You know if you’ve put in the effort to own your mistakes and apologize.

Breakups

Breakups can be brutal. You know who you are, and your partner loved that person. Now, the relationship is gone, and you find yourself feeling lost or unlovable.

Sometimes, it’s difficult to figure out who you are without being in a relationship after a breakup. You shared your life with someone special. Now, they’re gone, and you have to figure out where to go from here.

Remember that you existed before you were in the relationship. Your identity is separate from this other person. One thing to remember is that other people’s views or opinions don’t define your identity. Don’t let anyone tell you who you are. That goes for exes, friends, co-workers, family, or strangers. Each person is entitled to their opinions, but only you can define your identity. For example, if someone tells you that they think you’re a coward, that doesn’t make it the truth. You have a right to define yourself. Of course, as human beings, we care about what others think of us. But, there’s a difference between wanting someone to like you and defining your identity by their opinion. It’s crucial to work on your sense of self, particularly after a relationship ends. You can get back to understanding what’s important to you and pursue your passions and dreams.

Trauma

An external force that can impact a person’s sense of self is trauma. When you’ve experienced trauma, such as an abusive relationship, abandonment, sexual or emotional abuse…it impacts you.

Recovering your sense of self after trauma involves refusing to let others’ opinions define you.

If you’re in an abusive relationship, your partner likely insults you or demeans your sense of self-worth. Remind yourself that this has nothing to do with you — it’s a reflection of their emotional deficits. What they’re saying about you isn’t the truth, and it’s never too late to reject their gaslighting.

It’s easy to question yourself after traumatic experiences. You may wonder if you brought this mistreatment on yourself. So let’s get one thing straight: didn’t deserve the trauma in your life. You are a survivor of these experiences, and you can find a way back to yourself and what matters to you. The trauma that happened to you is real, but so is your value as a human being.

You are not your traumatic experiences; you’re a human being who has had a rich life full of joyous moments and painful experiences that have helped you grow. Appreciating that can help hold on to a positive sense of self after trauma.

How can I rediscover my sense of self?

Alone Time

Spending time by yourself can allow you to rediscover who you are. During alone time, the impulse to censor yourself decreases. Meditation and journaling are two ways to spend time with yourself and get to know how your mind works.

One way to make the most of alone time is by meditating. When you sit quietly with yourself or do a walking meditation where you listen to your inner voice, it can be grounding. You’re not surrounded by other people who cause distraction.

It’s tempting to drown out the thoughts in your mind by being around others constantly. But this habit may keep us from a close relationship with ourselves.

Maybe your internal monologue is just really uncomfortable and filled with self-hatred. If you’re feeling that way, it can help to take out a journal and write down your thoughts. You may feel overwhelmed and scared of what you’ll write, but getting your thoughts out on paper can be a freeing experience. It forces you to honor who you are and what you feel — not just the parts that others can accept.

Self Compassion

There are times when you might feel totally hopeless as a person. You might doubt your intelligence, choices, or general goodness. Everyone goes through difficult periods where they feel these ways — it’s difficult to dig yourself out of an emotional hole. But if you honor your own struggles, you can understand and blame yourself less. Impatience with oneself and an intense inner critic are not your fault, but self compassion helps you confront them head-on.

You may just be stuck in a negative thought pattern. You think things like, “I can’t get through this,” or “I’m so stupid.” When you feel anxious or depressed, things can feel impossible, and you might feel hopeless.

Allow yourself to acknowledge these feelings and how hard they are. You deserve to have compassion for yourself during these times.

Be gentle with yourself as you would be with a friend, and if it helps, you can even say these affirmations aloud:

• I’m sorry you’re going through this
• Things are hard right now 
• You’re hurting, and you don’t deserve that

Feel free to make up a self-compassion affirmation that works for you, and makes you feel emotionally validated. You don’t need other people to see you hurting to validate that it’s real. These emotions are present, and you can acknowledge their existence. That emotional awareness can be powerful and life-changing. Self-compassion allows you the chance to grow and attain a more fair sense of self. With this practice, you may even find that you’re able to be more empathetic toward others.

Surround Yourself With People Who Get You

Have you ever found yourself in a crowded room of people but felt completely alone? That’s more common than you’d think – and that, itself, is something to connect over!

In order to feel connected and seen, it’s important to be around people who understand you. When you are surrounded by individuals who see you for who you are, that’s an exhilarating feeling; you can be yourself and have enriching conversations. You’re not burdened with hiding parts of yourself.

If there are friends who make you feel good about you, prioritize time with those people. You could find that connecting with others makes you feel valued. If you find that you want to connect with others, follow that instinct — your intuition is telling you that you need to seek out a tribe of like-minded people.

Communicating with individuals who have the same passions and experiences as you can make you feel valued, appreciated, and understood. Support can help you regain a sense of self that you’ve lost.

When you recognize who you are and what you’ve been through, you naturally get a better sense of where you want your life to go. That sense of self is a prerequisite for real, lasting healing.

The post Recover Your Sense Of Self In Order To Heal appeared first on Supportiv.

For those of us who need to go the no-contact route, it often feels like an unpaved path that many can’t sympathize with or relate to. Even though many don’t get it, many do — and it may help to talk it out with one of those people.

If you’re reading this, you’ve likely decided that going no-contact with someone in your life is necessary. Whether you’re estranging yourself from a family member, ex-partner, or someone else in your life, guilt often overwhelms the sense of overwhelming pride you deserve.

To make the choice to go no-contact takes a lot of bravery; it’s no easy task, regardless of how toxic someone is or was in your life.

You deserve to be proud of yourself for the action you’ve considered or already taken; the kinds of relationships that require going NC usually make it hard to do what’s the healthiest for you.

What does it mean to go no-contact? 

Going no-contact or “NC” is exactly what it sounds like. To go no-contact means to cut off contact with someone completely, usually due to the abusive or toxic nature of the relationship. Most people choose NC as a last resort, after repeated requests for respect have gone ignored.

When you go no contact, you stop speaking to someone both in person and online. This typically inflames the person who has been cut off, so you may choose to preemptively block their social media accounts, their number, and any other means they have of contacting you. 

Why do people need to go no contact sometimes? 

People might decide to go no contact for a variety of reasons. Often, by the time someone decides to go no contact, they’ve tried to work through or talk things out peacefully many times and may have tried to drift apart or distance by other means. Here are some of the reasons a person might need to go entirely no-contact:

• Abuse, whether that’s emotional, physical, or financial abuse
• A toxic family environment or interpersonal relationship 
• Previous attempts to distance were met by manipulation, gaslighting, or other abuse tactics to keep you close, making it difficult to leave
• The person is unwilling to reason with you, or meets such attempts with violence

In essence, most NC decisions boil down to: you have experienced trauma or have had negative experiences with this individual and need distance indefinitely, in order to heal.

Many people also go no contact after a romantic break up or dating a narcissist. In fact, many people who go no contact are actually children of a narcissistic parent.

Note that narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a real condition and that people with NPD aren’t fundamentally “bad.” It takes substantial time and care for someone with NPD to recover, but it is possible if an individual is self-aware enough to seek help and put in the work.

In the interim (or indefinitely), the onus isn’t on you to stick around if you’re harmed by the relationship. One aspect of healing from depression, anxiety, and trauma is learning to remove yourself from any harmful situation — even if it means cutting off a blood relative.

Your choice is about your own well-being, and the other person’s inability to work with you.

How do I go no contact? 

Here are some tips for going no contact. 

• Block them from all social media accounts
• Block the person’s number
• Block the social media accounts of anyone who’s in this person’s inner circle to avoid any instances where the person might try to gain information about you or send someone else to speak to you
  • Beware well-intentioned family members who may share what they believe is innocent information about you; any type of reminder may spur an abusive person to reach out again.
• Take precautions such as adding security and two-step authentication on your online accounts or apps if there are concerns related to hacking or attempts to access the accounts to get close to you
• Let trusted people in your life know what’s going on in case you need support or a person to step in 

Not everyone will have to block friends of friends, or worry about hacking, harassment, or stalking. But if it is something you’re concerned about? Take all of the precautions you can.  

What do I do if someone tries to reach out to me after going no contact? 

In some cases, you may unfortunately deal with slander or continued harassment when you go no contact. A person may decide to call you or text you from a number that is not theirs, ask other people to talk to you, or share your information online, whether it’s true or false. They may harass you on the internet or by other means to provoke you, retaliate, or to get a response. It’s hard to get peace of mind when this is happening to you. First, take every step necessary to keep yourself safe. In extreme situations, a person might engage in stalking behaviors and go as far as to show up at your home or workplace. If that’s true for you, the most important thing is to maintain your own safety. Put in a no-contact order, and if you have to move (with financial privilege in mind) or stay with family and friends, do that. 

How do I avoid feeling guilty?

When you decide to go no contact, it’s normal for a voice of doubt to ring in your ear.

The person you’re going no contact from may have set you up to fear cutting ties — whether it was through enmeshment, an attempt to make you dependent on them, or words that led you to doubt you could make it on your own. They may have told you that they need you, that you need them, or made you feel guilty at the idea of leaving by other means.

In the case that you’re dealing with family members, lifelong guilt may have built up surrounding familial issues, making the process emotionally difficult. So, how do you go no contact without guilt? Here are three things that can help.

Allow yourself to feel your full-fledged experience, without the hindrance of anyone else’s perception.

1. Let yourself feel the guilt

Strangely enough, one of the best things that you can do is to start by letting yourself feel the guilt. Once you acknowledge the feeling of guilt, you can work through it. Why do you feel guilty?

Maybe you have empathy this person never had for you? Maybe, it’s simply that you’ve never had to go no-contact before. You could easily believe that NC is a poor solution, if you never saw someone else deem it necessary. Both of these points validate your struggle, and your worthiness of freedom.

Let yourself feel your anger toward this person during the time you go NC, whether you intend to go no contact for a period of time or indefinitely.

Additionally, let yourself feel all of the sadness. Allow yourself to feel your full-fledged experience, without the hindrance of anyone else’s perception. After you sit with your emotions, remind yourself why you decided to go no contact in the first place. If you decide to go no contact, you may have been invalidated by this person many times or may have noticed patterns of behavior that were wrong or unethical. Remembering your reasons for going no contact is an important part of going no contact without guilt. 

2. Note how much better things are

If you have decided to go no contact, it’s likely that you have recognized and acknowledged that you were abused, manipulated, or in an otherwise toxic situation. That said, the story often does not end there.

Especially in the early stages of no contact, you may feel at times like your decision to go NC was an overreaction. You might worry about the wellbeing of the person you cut off, or think you’re a bad person for finally putting your foot down.

Remember that you didn’t make that scary and isolating decision for no reason. The person you cut off contact with likely was emotionally abusive or manipulative toward you. As such, it is unfortunately normal for their words to still ring in your ears.

They may have tried to guilt you out of leaving in the past, hence why it was so hard to leave. Additionally, they may have used other abuse tactics such as gaslighting or love bombing, then proceeding to continue harmful behavior afterward.

They probably told you that their behavior would stop, and it probably didn’t. It’s crucial to continue recognizing the abuse you went through, and to notice the difference when you are out of the situation. Both of these things will prevent you from getting pulled back in. 

3. Focus on yourself 

When you go no contact, it’s time to focus on yourself. If you’re going no contact from a family member or multiple family members, it could be the first time that you’ve ever really gotten to embrace yourself without judgement. Even if the drama doesn’t end with going NC, the joy of freedom can be a life raft in whatever storm you’re still living in.

In the case of going no contact from a friend or partner, it might be the first time that you’ve gotten to truly focus on yourself for a while. Now is the time to look inward, make changes, and embrace your own needs.

It’s also important to spend time with friends or loved ones who lift you up during this time. Try new hobbies or go back to old activities you miss and think about what you want in your life. Maybe you enjoy writing songs, taking photos, or watching sports. These are all great outlets and ways to reconnect with what makes you feel joy.

Now that you’ve gone NC and are free of a toxic relationship, work on developing self-confidence and loving yourself unconditionally. It may seem far away, but unconditional self-love is absolutely possible, no matter how much trauma you’ve been through.

Self-love doesn’t mean that you will feel great all of the time, but it does mean that you will value and protect your emotional wellbeing in a way you couldn’t before. Treat this as a time of freedom and exploration.

Make sure that your needs are met

In addition to working through guilt, it’s important to make sure that you’re using self-care during this time, and that you have everything you need to make it through.

If you’ve ever heard of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, it’s a good diagram to refer to during this time. You want to make sure that you have all of the components of your needs met so that you can really focus on having the happiest and healthiest life possible. If you’re in college and are struggling, your university may have resources to help. 

What comes after NC? 

Going no contact is absolutely vital in some situations. If you have to go no contact, you’re strong and deserving of healing and freedom. You didn’t do anything wrong, and you deserve to be extremely proud of making this step toward wellbeing.

Life after going NC can come with a bit of fear at first, but ultimately, it can make for a much lighter and brighter life, and an accelerated healing process from the traumatic relationship.

Going NC also doesn’t have to be forever. Cutting off contact is often the only way to fully heal, but once you feel stable and solid, you may want to occasionally reach back out. There are no hard and fast rules here, except to prioritize your personal wellbeing above all else.

To work through feelings of guilt or trauma you might’ve experienced with the NC’d person, some choose to see a licensed mental health professional. Other people choose to talk with peers who have been in similar situations — in some cases, only those who have also been there will understand the need to go NC.

Remember that you’re now free from the confinements of your old circumstances. After going no-contact, you’re free to embrace all life has to offer.

The post NC: How To Go No Contact Without Guilt appeared first on Supportiv.

Examining our own emotional pain helps us prevent needless suffering — and that helps us heal. Keep reading about how to squeeze some good from emotional pain, and how to alleviate emotional suffering.

What is the purpose of emotional pain? 

You grab the hot pan off the stove, but not by the handle. You drop it and scream “Ow!” After that, you don’t dare grab the pan that way again. You try the handle, or you use a protective mitt. You make the mistake, feel the pain, and learn to avoid that situation in the future. Emotional pain works the same way.

Emotional pain is something we all endure at one point or another. No matter its cause, it can feel debilitating and just as bad as physical pain. Sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference between physical pain and emotional, but maybe that’s not so strange. Physical pain alerts us to a need, and it seems emotional pain serves the same important purpose.

Emotional pain, just like physical pain, is our body’s way of telling us to pay attention — something is wrong. When a relationship causes you emotional pain, you might consider leaving the relationship; when you’re suffering from loneliness, you’ve endured the emotional pain of isolation for too long — and that might spur you to seek out a non-judgmental group of people. 

What if I can’t tell why I’m hurting emotionally?

When you feel emotional pain, your body is trying to tell you that something is not right. Something is lacking in regards to your emotional health, or one of the factors that impacts it. With physical pain, we often know what the cause is (or at least it can be easier to diagnose). However, with emotional pain, your body can’t clearly communicate what the problem is, so it fires up the same pain circuits it usually uses to get your attention. Then you have to investigate, yourself. 

How are different kinds of emotional pain expressed in the body?

Different emotions can lead to different physical feelings. Think of how relationship-related emotional pain causes what we describe, literally, as heartache.

Often, sadness comes hand-in-hand with lethargy and a dull weight pressing down on your chest — that good ol’ heartache. 

Anger releases adrenaline, which prepares you to fight, but which can also increase your blood pressure, cause tingling in the arms and legs, and make you riled up and jittery. 

Anxiety and stress will activate the Hypothalamic-Pituitary-Adrenal (HPA) axis and cause all kinds of wide-ranging feelings, from jumpiness, uneasiness and an inability to relax, to nausea, tingling, and other neurological symptoms. 

Shame and guilt can bring feelings of butterflies and a heavy weight in your chest or stomach, along with the need to just curl up in a ball. 

And emotional pain in general can cause a variety of physical symptoms ranging from diarrhea, dizziness, muscle pain, nausea, stomach ache, and/or pain all over the body.

Why are physical and emotional pain so similar? Shared neural pathways.

Our experiences of physical and emotional pain are actually very similar, in terms of the neural pathways that fire. Vivek Murthy, the 19th surgeon general of the United States, claims in his book Togetherness: The Healing Power of Human Connection in an Otherwise Lonely World, that this is an evolutionary mechanism. 

We usually feel emotional pain because something is going wrong in our lives: our mental health is low, our social lives are amiss, our work lives aren’t going well, etc. All of these, in theory, impact our quality of life and our survival — just as much as access to fresh water, or protection against grizzly bears.

When we were first evolving as a species, having issues with our social circle could be life-threatening. Emotional issues signaled that we needed to change something, or risk being exiled from the group’s protection. 

Basically, emotions have never been random and useless. It’s good we’re able to feel them so strongly, even though we’re human and that sometimes means intense emotional pain.

What can we learn from emotional pain?

As mentioned earlier in the pan example, both physical and emotional pain are meant to teach you a lesson. You’ve experienced something that your body thinks threatens your survival, and it is trying to tell you “Don’t do that again! Remember this moment!”

Sometimes, the emotional pain feels like the searing shame of an awkward comment. This can be incredibly helpful in terms of learning social norms. You get chastised for doing something, and that makes you feel emotional pain, which you’ll think twice about next time. 

However, emotional pain can also be maladaptive when you have one negative experience in a normal situation, and your body wants you to avoid that situation like the plague. This applies to the lasting emotional pain of traumatic events, as well as to the simple overgeneralization of emotional pain’s lessons. For example, having one breakup and then avoiding relationships and dating altogether. 

Additionally, as discussed earlier, emotional pain left unaddressed almost always magnifies suffering — whether you consciously stuff it down, opt for coping over healing, or just can’t change your circumstances. Emotional pain keeps you safe by asking you to change something, but the effort required to do so can make it feel impossible to help ourselves heal. 

Tips for reducing emotional pain

1. Validate the pain

It’s hard to address a problem you haven’t closely looked at. When we feel emotional pain, we may struggle to accept our right to be upset — and sometimes it feels easier to dismiss what’s up. On the contrary, we do much better once we’ve given ourselves permission to hurt. This permission allows us to fully engage with the situation and reorient toward healing.

By repressing or dismissing your struggle, you not only make the emotional pain worse (and more likely to pop again), but also invite physical health consequences. Sit with your feelings, acknowledge them, and try to introspect about why they are here. What message is your emotional pain trying to relay to you? What are you supposed to learn from this pain?

2. Keep pain relieving ideas on hand

Have a list of things that make you happy, without fail, in a place that is easily accessible to you. These can range from going on a run to watching your favorite movie to doing laundry – anything that tends to distract you and relax you.

By keeping this list easily accessible, you have an automatic solution to launch into when you start to feel overwhelmed by your emotional pain. By engaging in multiple activities and going through this routine, you can shut off your stress response and recenter.

3. Write out your feelings

Writing down your feelings and thoughts might sound cheesy and difficult, since often when we feel emotional pain our thoughts are jumbled and confused. Writing those confusing thoughts down – whatever comes to mind – in a stream of consciousness can help sort through some of the mess. After letting out the disorganized thoughts to a piece of paper that can’t react or judge, you can proceed to work through your experience in a more organized way.

4. Therapy and social support

Sometimes, our emotional pain isn’t tied to one specific event or situation. Mental health issues aren’t always linked to single cause. Seeking out psychotherapy or a social support group of people who have experienced or similar emotional pain to you (like Supportiv) can help alleviate emotional pain. Sometimes we need to feel heard or like we aren’t alone in our experiences. This alone can make us feel more capable of healing!

5. Regularly check in with your body

Like we’ve mentioned, emotional pain is linked to physical responses in your body. By regularly taking deep breaths, you’ll slow your heart rate down and shut down some of the stress responses going off in your body that cause emotional pain.

It sounds silly, but sit down for a few minutes and try one of the many breathing patterns that can calm you — experiment until you find one that feels natural for you. Though the emotional pain won’t fully go away, the severity will decrease significantly.

Mindfulness practices condition you to be more in tune with the connection between your mind and your body. This can help you realize what situations are triggering your emotional pain, where in your body you feel emotional pain, and how your emotional pain differs from the pain you feel due to physical causes.

In conclusion…

By trying to connect with your body and learn what it is trying to tell you, not only will your emotional pain lessen, but the disruption to your day-to-day life will be less drastic. You will begin to feel that you are healing instead of suffering for no good reason.

The post Suffering: Why Do We Feel Emotional Pain? appeared first on Supportiv.

Self-blame often pops up as a result of trauma, and can really mess with both physical and mental health. And in an unhelpful feedback loop, battling self-blame makes healing trauma, depression, and anxiety significantly more difficult. It’s important to remember that your struggles are not your fault, and that we aren’t always to blame for what happens to us.

Work toward stopping the self-blame cycle so you can start healing, with the perspective and tips below.

Types of Self Blame

This is not an exhaustive list, but here are some manifestations of self-blame that can cause us to stand in our own way.

1. Toxic Self Criticism

We’ve already talked about this a bit, but self blame is an unhelpful version of self criticism. Often, we engage in self-blame under the pretense that we’re just trying to improve ourselves and be better people. However, self-blame most often results from double standards against ourselves, and from baseless self-beliefs such as “I’m worthless” or “I’m stupid.”

Consider:

• Tackling unhelpful thinking styles
• Dismantle perfectionism, “shrink your inner critic“
• Challenge your external locus of control

2. Unfounded Self Doubt

Constantly doubting oneself in different parts of life can really take a toll. You might find reasons for this doubt, but upon closer inspection, do these reasons really hold true?

Self doubt often stems from chronic feelings of being dismissed. If others haven’t often accepted our influence, or haven’t had much confidence in us, it’s hard to have much confidence in ourselves.

This lack of trust in ourselves drains our hope, and with it, our will to try. Self doubt alienates us from ourselves and from others, but if we don’t take ourselves seriously, how can anyone else?

It is draining, painful, and stifling to constantly question the strength of your relationships, whether you are capable of succeeding in your goals, and your self in general.

3. Shame and Guilt

Overthinking and blaming ourselves leads easily to distress, shame, and guilt. This shame can be regarding ourselves, our past actions, things we’ve said, etc. These feelings can be overwhelming and disrupt day to day life.

How to Not Blame Yourself for Trauma

We’ve talked about types of self-blame and how to recognize it, but how do we stop blaming ourselves for our trauma?

1. Make the distinction between self-criticism for self-improvement and self-blame.

Like we’ve mentioned before, there is a huge difference between the two! When you find yourself criticizing your past behavior or things you’ve said, try to evaluate whether it is actual constructive criticism or if you’re engaging in toxic overthinking. Taking the time to actively evaluate these thoughts will help you in the process of stopping the self-blame cycle.

2. Respond to your self-blame.

This one might seem like a weird one, but it can really change the way you think and see yourself. Once you’ve learned to recognize when you’re engaging in self-blame, start responding to the negative thoughts. Make a list of positive responses — things you like about yourself, affirmations, etc. — and say them to yourself when you start thinking negative thoughts.

Things like “My trauma was not my fault” or “I did the best I could, and that is enough” or “I am worthy” are examples of good mantras to use. The more you say them to yourself, the more you’ll start to believe them. As you deserve to.

3. Have compassion for yourself like you would for a friend.

We wouldn’t tell the people we love “Yeah, you’re right” if we heard them call themselves worthless. So why would we say it to ourselves? Start working on your relationship with yourself and build up your self-compassion. You deserve to give yourself unconditional love and kindness.

4. It’s okay to get help.

Sometimes, the journey to stopping the self-blame cycle is difficult to start by yourself. Seeking out therapy might seem daunting, but it can be incredibly helpful when trying to heal from your trauma. A professional will provide an outside perspective and guide you through the process. Additionally, if you’re not ready for therapy, you can get that perspective and validation in an anonymous peer support chat. There are tons of resources available for you to get the help you may need, and the end result is worth it. 

5. Remember: You Are Human.

You are a human being, and human beings are bound to make mistakes! That does not mean that your mistakes make you deserving of bad things, self-blame, and traumatic experiences. Your trauma is not your fault, and you deserve love and care and compassion. Cut yourself some slack and give yourself some love. The path out of the self-blame mindset isn’t easy, but you’ve got support if you need it.

The post It’s Hard To Heal While Swimming In Self Blame appeared first on Supportiv.

At the end of a long term relationship, only a few lucky folks escape feeling free of heartbreak. Especially after a lengthy period of time, you likely expected this to last, and may have even counted on it to last. Is it even possible to heal from this severe a broken heart?

It’s understandable to feel the entire life you imagined is crumbling. Maybe you were imagining the rest of your life with this person — it could even be that you were preparing for marriage! Heartbreak and emotional pain tint your view of the world, and make it even harder to start over again.

During this time, nobody could blame you for feeling stuck, helpless, confused, or even altogether lost. Give yourself time, and know that you can and will heal. That said, it can be hard to know where to start.

Emotional Numbness and Heartbreak

If you find yourself experiencing emotional numbness during this time, know that that’s actually common. Emotional numbness is a potential symptom of depression. You may be facing situational depression due to the break-up, but if you find that it’s a concern long-term, you might consider looking into getting professional treatment.

How you can mend a broken heart: 8 steps

This is one situation where it’s particularly hard to break up, so first, give yourself abundant grace during this time. Know that your feelings are valid, and if you need to spend some time crying, do it. Studies show that it’s healthy to cry during the healing process.

Break the process down into small steps, so that it’s harder to get caught up in feeling ineffective, or worrying your progress is too slow. Follow these steps in sequence to make the most of this time and heal from heartbreak.

1. Disconnect from your ex

If you care about someone and the relationship or break-up wasn’t particularly volatile, you might’ve said to each other, “let’s just be friends,” and you might’ve meant it.

It’s definitely possible to be friends after a break-up, but it’s totally okay if you can’t do it right away. Not only is it okay, but even if you think that you can jump into being friends head-on, many people find that it’s a good idea to take some time away from your ex to heal a broken heart post-breakup.

It’s hard to get over someone if they’re in your peripheral all of the time. Mute or unfollow your ex on social media, and refrain from conversations outside those that are necessary, such as conversations related to co-parenting if you have kids together.

If you don’t have kids together and aren’t working through any property distribution or similar issues related to the break-up, you might even block your ex for the time being. It can be hard to see pictures of a recent ex when you’re trying to get over them, as can hearing about what’s going on in their life. You might even see them posting about dating or new relationships.

Know that you aren’t obligated to keep talking to someone or following someone on social media if it isn’t healthy for you. If your ex tries to reach out in a way that you aren’t comfortable with, set boundaries and prioritize your needs. 

2. Understand the five stages of grief

It can be helpful to know the five stages of grief. Grief isn’t reserved for loss — the five stages of grief are also applicable to break-ups, divorce, or separation.

The five stages of break-up grief are also denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. You might experience the five stages of grief in order, or you might go back and forth from one to the other.

A lesson frequently learned in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and other forms of evidence-based mental health therapy is to “stop should-ing yourself.” What that means is to stop telling yourself what you should feel or where you should be at.

In this case, you might tell yourself that you “should” be over the relationship or that you “should have” moved forward more than you have. Acknowledge your feelings as they come in, and don’t gaslight yourself or tell yourself that you “shouldn’t” feel the way you feel.

It’s best to process emotions adequately and to let yourself experience the stages of grief rather than holding it all in. That way, you can move forward naturally and make sure that you process what you’re going through and how much the break-up hurt — rather than internalizing it and allowing it to negatively impact your wellbeing and relationships moving forward.

3. Make yourself cry

If you want to let it all out but can’t seem to get yourself to cry, listening to music can be extremely helpful. A lot of people have a song that makes them cry or a movie that makes them cry; consume that media right now so that you can get some emotional release!

Studies show that listening to music is beneficial to our mental health for a multitude of reasons, so turn on the kind of music that feels the most helpful and resonant to you at the moment, whether it’s sad or upbeat. 

4. Spend time with friends

Research indicates that social relationships are an essential part of our emotional and physical wellbeing. If you’re healing from anything, including a break-up from a short or long term relationship, spending time with your support system is vital. If you don’t have a support system already, put yourself out there during this time. You may not be ready for the dating scene again quite yet, and you don’t need to be. When you decide to return to dating is up to you.

The good news is that dating isn’t the only way to meet new people; there are plenty of apps or websites that allow you to make friends nowadays, such as meetup and Bumble BFF.

You can also meet new people through classes or activities, whether they’re online in your local area. Art can be incredibly therapeutic, so if it’s something you’re interested in, go for it! The same is true for sports, which often double as a way to let off some steam, or classes that teach tangible skills like cooking or building, which are great for socializing and increasing self-esteem.

You might also consider reaching out to old friends to see how they’re doing or spending time with your family, whether that’s your chosen family or blood family.

5. Think about what YOU want

After a break-up, especially a long-term break up, you have to learn what it means to be you outside of a relationship again. You need to return to your home base. Think about what matters to you and what you want.

It’s not that being coupled takes someone away from being themselves, though in a toxic relationship, it can. It’s that, when things are solely up to you, there are certain wants or needs that you might have that you weren’t able to see or pursue when you were with your ex-partner. It could even be why you broke up.

For example, if you would rather move closer to your family and you had moved far away with them because of their job, you can move wherever you want to now. It’s not that you didn’t like where you were then, but it is that you get to make your own choices now and that it’s solely up to you without anyone else in mind. Plant your roots where you want to plant them, and approach everything in your life that way.

Think about what you want to do in your day to day life. Do you want to engage in specific hobbies? Spend more time with friends and family? Learn a new skill or pursue a new career? Don’t hold back. You only have one life, so go after the things you want.

6. Create a space that has “you” written all over it

If you were in a long term relationship, it’s possible that you might’ve lived together and that one or both of you are moving to a new home or apartment. Similar to doing something you’ve always wanted to do and thinking about what you want, now is a great time to decorate your space the way that you want. You don’t need to keep pictures of them around, nor do you have to refrain from putting up the printed curtains or posters you loved that they hated.

Decorating can be therapeutic, and it’s always beneficial to have a space that you feel good in. Small touches matter, and cultivating a space you enjoy doesn’t have to be astronomically expensive.

• Deep cleaning your space,
• getting yourself new sheets,
• buying a couple of plants to tend, or
• rearranging your furniture

…are all ways that you can make your space more “you” and boost your mood.

Removing clutter and keeping your surroundings tidy is actually proven to benefit your mental health, so don’t underestimate how helpful this can be! 

7. Do something you’ve always wanted to do

This is advice that you will likely see everywhere, and you might be tired of hearing it, but it remains beneficial and is backed up by research on relationships and healing from break-ups.

Depending on the nature of your relationship, you might’ve spent a lot of your time with your ex or focused on your ex. Now, you have some free space both in terms of your mind and your time.

Is there a hair color you’ve always wanted to try? Have you always wanted to get a tattoo? Have you wanted to try stand up comedy but haven’t been brave enough? Now’s the time to take an online class, write some content, or join a troupe!

Get something off of your bucket list, and you’ll feel a major boost. It provides a sense of accomplishment and can help you either rebuild or continue to build your sense of self, depending on where you’re at. 

And the entire time…Focus on your mental health!

If you’re struggling to heal from a break-up, counseling can help. Even if you don’t go to counseling, making your mental health a priority is crucial during this time.

Surround yourself with people and things that are positive for you. In some instances, you might consider joining a support group or group activity to put yourself out there.

Reduce stress as much as possible and practice self-care, even if it’s through acts such as bathing, making sure to eat, and keeping your space clean.

You might also try journaling, meditation, using positive affirmations, and other popular techniques for emotional wellbeing.

Everyone heals differently, so listen to your internal wisdom and do what’s right for you. In time, you can get through this and will move on. If you prefer not to get through it alone, there are always understanding folks to chat with, here.

The post Heartbreak: How To Heal After A Long Term Relationship appeared first on Supportiv.

You didn’t even hint at your discomfort, because you didn’t realize it was a problem for you, until after-the-fact. What would help in this situation? Learning your boundaries.

Setting boundaries is both nerve-wracking and necessary, but it remains impossible without getting to know your boundaries. Few of us learn our own personal boundaries while growing up, and many others sacrifice their boundaries for others’ sake.

To learn about our own boundaries is to begin healing. We can’t fault ourselves for not knowing our boundaries, but we must do the work of getting to know them before we can start honoring them.

Use the jump list below, or browse to find answers to your questions.

• What are boundaries?
• Why we need boundaries for our mental health
• How do I learn what my boundaries are?
  • What do I need in order to feel comfortable?
• What does setting boundaries look like?
• Types of boundaries
  • Physical boundaries
  • Emotional boundaries
  • Material boundaries
  • Time boundaries
  • Intellectual boundaries
  • Sexual boundaries
  • Spiritual boundaries
• Who are you setting boundaries with?
• How to set boundaries
  • Tips for friends and finance
  • Tips for family
• What do you do when someone doesn’t respect your boundaries?
• How to be assertive and calmly stand up for yourself
  • Express your needs from the right perspective
  • Banish any guilt over asserting yourself
  • Study your personal assertiveness roadblocks
• Scared of honoring your own needs?
• In parting…

What are boundaries?

Boundaries are the standards we set as necessary to care for ourselves and keep our relationships healthy. Boundaries let others know what we need and what makes us uncomfortable.

While the word “boundary” may sound harsh, these expressions of our personal needs are fundamental for maintaining emotional health. You can also call your boundaries your limits, your needs, or your expectations, depending on the situation. 

The intent behind setting a boundary is to show up for ourselves in a functional way. It’s about what you allow in your life, your schedule, your mind, and your relationships. How people will react to boundaries will vary due to where they’re at in terms of understanding the function of a boundary, but the intent behind a boundary isn’t to hurt anyone. 

Why we need boundaries for our mental health

When we lose sight of our own needs and the boundaries we require, it becomes much easier to get used to disrespect.

A boundary distinguishes what you are and are not ok with, in a way that is clear and tangible for others. When you set a boundary, you tell others what your needs are. As such, boundaries are an essential part of having and keeping healthy relationships. 

Just like, “you can’t pour from an empty cup,” you can’t do what you can’t do, give what you aren’t comfortable giving, or be present for what you aren’t comfortable being present for and simultaneously maintain a healthy relationship. In order to maintain healthy relationships, boundaries must exist and be respected.

A lack of boundaries or respect for others’ often creates unspoken negative feelings, resentment, and conflict. These painful emotions build up and can ultimately lead to the demise of an interpersonal relationship, whether with a friend, family member, or romantic partner.

Without boundaries, a relationship’s give-and-take becomes uneven, though neither side may be aware of that. Or in the case of emotional and physical boundaries, you may feel violated, disrespected, or even exhausted if your boundaries are crossed. While you might be a giver and want to please those around you, you cannot get through life without learning the boundaries you need to stay healthy.

Setting boundaries is challenging, but knowing our boundaries in the first place can pose an even greater hurdle to self-advocacy. So how can you know your boundaries, before feeling comfortable asserting them?

How do I learn what my boundaries are?

In general, it’s important to think about what you want in your life. Who are the people in your life that make you feel good? Why do they make you feel good? Likely, the positive connections in your life are uplifting and respectful of your autonomy. In the case that there’s a a minor conflict, you’re probably able to hear each other out and work through it.

Conversely, who are the people in your life that you don’t feel good around? For whatever reason.

Do they treat you as less-than intellectually or cross your boundaries? Do they tell you that you’re overly sensitive when you ask them to stop doing something that makes you uncomfortable in any capacity?

Think about what you require for self-preservation in different situations.

• Does it exhaust you to know that a person in your life will get upset if you don’t reply to their texts right away?
• Does it bother you when people ask invasive questions? Is a family member or partner telling a crude joke that makes you uncomfortable?
• Are there topics that trigger trauma, a mental health condition, or strong negative emotions you have?
• Similarly, is there something that you’re simply not comfortable talking about or something that doesn’t require a repetitive conversation?

These are all instances where you might want to set a boundary. When you’re in a situation that requires preserving yourself in some capacity, it’s time to set and assert a boundary.

Ask yourself questions about what is generally okay and not okay with you, to get the gist of what your boundaries might be. Then get familiar with these boundaries, and remind yourself of them often. Regularly keeping your boundaries in mind helps you notice –and stand up for yourself — when someone crosses one.

What does setting boundaries look like?

All of us have set boundaries in our lives. If you’ve said any of the following, then you’ve set a boundary.

• “Please don’t touch me,” 
• “I need to go to bed,” 
• “I can’t work for free,” 
• “Please knock before you come in,” or
• “No.”

Setting boundaries can also sound like: “I love getting to see you. Can you please give me a heads up when you stop by in the future?” Whether the reason is that an unannounced guest freaks your pet out, or that it triggers your anxiety, not everyone is okay with their friends or family members stopping by without notice. It’s not only okay, but also healthy to assert your need. 

The above is only one of many types of boundaries one can assert. 

Types of boundaries

Physical boundaries

Physical boundaries refer to physical touch, our bodies, and our physical space. Setting a physical boundary might range from

• “I need to eat lunch and will call you back later,”
• “Please do not touch me,”
• “I love you; please don’t kiss me on the cheek. I’m not comfortable with it,” or
• “I’m teaching my kids about boundaries – please don’t hug my children or me without asking first.”

Emotional boundaries

Emotional boundaries are sometimes the hardest to set. Emotional boundaries refer to our feelings, our capacity to be there for others emotionally, and our limits on how much we’re comfortable sharing. Emotional boundaries can also reflect our limits for taking on others’ struggles.

Setting an emotional boundary might look like saying,

• “I need to step aside and cool down before we have this conversation,”
• “Please do not bring that topic up in conversation if I am around,”
• “I love you and I’m so sorry that you’re struggling right now; I’m at work and can’t talk,” or
• “I want so badly to be there for you, but I am also having a hard time and don’t have the emotional space to help right now.”

Material boundaries 

Material boundaries are about your possessions, including money and personal belongings. Your material boundaries also include limits as to what you can or cannot give to another person.

Setting a material boundary might look like saying:

• “I’m sorry, I can’t lend anyone money right now,” or
• “You can use the car, but I need to use it on Thursday night. Please make sure it still has gas when you return it. “

Time boundaries 

We’re all busy, so as with material boundaries, many of us are familiar with time boundaries.

Time boundaries relate to the amount of time you can or cannot allocate to various situations. Everyone has different commitments, and we need to prioritize our time based on those commitments so that we won’t burn out. To take care of ourselves, we have to allocate an appropriate amount of time for work, school, family, projects we’re working on, and so on.

Setting a time boundary might look like saying:

• “I can only talk for about a half-hour,”
• “I’m sorry, I can’t take on that project right now,” or
• “I won’t be able to make it to the party, but I hope you have a great time!” 

Intellectual boundaries 

It’s likely that you and the people in your life have different opinions on certain topics that you’re both passionate about on an intellectual level.

These differences can fruit productive debate, but without boundaries often cause personal insult and animosity. There are a couple of ways that you can cope in this situation, which you can tailor to the subject matter and the other person’s relationship to you.

If you have a disagreement that is NOT a philosophical dealbreaker, you can simply use the classic “agree to disagree.” That simple phrase can be used to casually set an intellectual boundary.

Another approach to setting intellectual bounds might look like:

“We’ve discussed this topic before, and it’s clear that we have different views. I respect your opinion, and I understand that you respect mine. But for the sake of our relationship, please stop bringing this subject up, and I won’t either.”

It’s also fully acceptable and appropriate to say, “Can we please avoid this topic when we’re together?” No further explanation needed. 

Sexual boundaries

Sexual boundaries pertain to physical intimacy, but they vary from physical boundaries in the sense that they’re specific to sex.

Expressing your needs or discomfort in sexual situations can feel complicated due to our attachment, the relationship’s power dynamic, and fears of being alone. Regardless, sexual boundaries are a frontline defense for our mental health in relationships.

Setting a sexual boundary, at its most basic, looks like a simple, “no.” In sexual situations, there is no excuse for boundary transgressions after the word “no.” Don’t let yourself be guilt-tripped into thinking otherwise.

You might also set a sexual boundary by saying:

• “I don’t want to have sex tonight,”
• “Don’t talk to me like that,”
• “Let me sleep,”
• “Leave me alone,”
• “Stop,”
• “That does not feel good,”
• “Please stop speaking about me in a sexual way,”
• “The way that I dress has nothing to do with you,” or
• “Do not sexualize me, my body, or my apparel.”

Sexual boundaries are essential and should always be met with immediate respect. Anything except for “yes” means “no” when it comes to sex, and you must ask a person for consent before sexualizing them or pursuing them sexually in any manner. 

Spiritual boundaries 

Spiritual boundaries pertain to our religious or spiritual beliefs. You likely have a friend of different spiritual or religious beliefs.

A spiritual boundary can look like saying:

• “I am so glad that you found a church you love. That said, I’m happy with attending my own,”
• “I respect your religious beliefs. I have my own and ask that you please respect those as well,” or
• “I don’t feel comfortable with conversations about religion. I don’t mind that you’re religious, but please don’t bring it up when I’m around.” 

There are many different types of boundaries, and the situations we set them in may require nuance and tact. The nature of our relationship to the person we’re communicating with, the nature of our emotions, and the strength of our feelings all play a role in how we set boundaries.

Who are you setting boundaries with?

Some boundaries can be harder to set than others, and it can be more difficult to set boundaries with certain people than others. One’s comfort level in setting boundaries depends on the other person’s respect for your needs, and on the role that this person plays (or has played) in your life.

You can establish boundaries with partners that you can’t with your children, and you can set boundaries with your friends that you can’t with your boss. That said, in any situation, there is a way to protect your personal needs. 

How to set boundaries

First, remember that “no” is a complete sentence.

In many situations, and with many different types of boundaries, it’s appropriate to simply say, “I’m not comfortable talking about that. Please stop bringing this up with me.”

Tips for friends and finance

When it comes to more nuanced issues such as those related to finance, however, you may have to get more specific.

Let’s say that you work in a creative or service field such as accounting, copywriting, or doing nails. You have a friend that wants you to “hook them up” or asks you if they can pay you later for providing that service to them right now.

It feels uncomfortable when you want to help your friend, but they don’t see their request might harm you. In this case, you can say something like:

• “Would love to help, but I don’t have availability to complete that project right now,”
• “Unfortunately, I need to reserve all my working hours for paying clients right now. Once I’m more stable I can devote some time,” or
• “I need to keep my payments and services consistent and can’t bend protocol for friends; it’s unfair to other people.”

Tips for family

Another tricky situation is setting boundaries with family, particularly as an adult or as an emerging adult. Sometimes, this will require a long heart-to-heart conversation, as parents may struggle to respect their children’s autonomy.

A personal perspective: I know that I have had to (and continue to have to) set boundaries with my own family as someone who’s undergone an eating disorder and eating disorder treatment. A personal boundary I have is that I can’t be around diet or weight loss talk.

Additionally, as a teen, my therapist and I decided that it’s vital for me to live in a scale-free home. This sort of conversation will often require you to go in-depth about your situation, particularly for family members who aren’t used to you asserting your needs just yet. They will likely understand, but if you feel invalidated or frustrated, it’s always okay to excuse yourself from a conversation or to leave the room. 

What do you do when someone doesn’t respect your boundaries?

Many people will respect your boundaries the first time around, whereas others will require frequent reminding and reassertion of your needs. 

Boundaries are a way to protect ourselves and our space, so when someone really isn’t getting it and constantly crosses your boundaries, you might start to feel that they aren’t listening to your requests in the first place. One thing that we know for sure is that we can’t control other people; only ourselves.

So if someone repeatedly ignores your boundaries, or makes you feel like you have to defend and justify your boundaries, you have a decision to make. How will you respond to this disrespect, as an advocate for yourself?

The other person isn’t making the situation any better, so it’s up to you. Some options:

• Leave the room
• Hang up the phone 
• Change the subject
• Repeat your reply of “no” or your request for respect, until they acknowledge it or go away
• Limit the amount of time you spend with someone who struggles with boundaries, or only spend time with them when you have lots of emotional energy
• Cut ties entirely with someone who continues to disrespect your needs

As mentioned earlier, there will be some variations in the way you defend your boundaries with different people. But the above examples can serve as templates to tailor to your situation.

Talking to a mental health professional can also be extremely helpful when it comes to difficulties with boundary setting. When you find yourself feeling hurt after a person in your life dismisses your boundaries, talking to a counselor, or even asking a friend if you can vent is incredibly helpful. Having a support system is crucial for all of us, and having people in your life that acknowledge the concept of boundaries can be a life-saver when we’re dealing with others who don’t.

How to be assertive and calmly stand up for yourself

Learning how to be assertive is helpful in situations where people overstep your boundaries, or where you have personal difficulty setting them. If you would like to set the record straight rather than removing yourself, use the tips below to be both assertive and productive.

Express your needs from the right perspective.

When someone repeatedly ignores your boundaries, it can feel like they do it intentionally. Whether that’s true or not, asserting yourself really only works when it’s about what you need to be healthy and happy, rather than the other person’s inherent wickedness.

If you are concerned about assertiveness coming off in a way that’s too harsh, try to use “I” statements when setting boundaries. This will allow you to assert yourself, without making the other person feel attacked. When people feel less attacked, they remain more open to what you say, and more willing to acknowledge any boundary transgressions.

Banish any guilt over asserting yourself.

Reiterating and enforcing your boundaries might feel awkward at first, as if you’re being too sensitive or demanding. Don’t let anyone make you feel that way! It’s important to learn to be assertive in life when you’re not treated well, and standing up for yourself is a crucial skill in boundary setting and maintenance.

When you have a need that impacts your physical or emotional well-being, you must treat it as something that is foundational in your life. You are not being petty for noting the need and its impact on you.

Study your personal assertiveness roadblocks.

Think about what is making it difficult for you to be assertive in the first place.

• Is it the way that you grew up?
• Is it patterns in society that affect you or make you feel that you need to remain small for others?
• Is it a matter of shyness?
• Do you worry that people will leave if you express your needs?

These are all extremely common feelings–even more so if you’ve ever experienced abuse or manipulation. Once you scope out what is holding you back from advocating for yourself, you can work through that and learn to take your own side without fear.

Scared of honoring your own needs?

Maybe, you are used to being there for other people and attending to their needs, but are less attentive to your own. This does not mean you are doomed to a life of serving others at your own expense. You can use your caring tendency as a skill.

Think of what you would do if you witnessed someone breaking your own boundaries. If you were standing up for someone else in the same situation, what might you say or do to straighten out the situation?

If you would feel ok defending someone else in this situation, then why question the validity of the needs you’ve expressed? You are in the right for requesting fair treatment.

Another thing that you can do is to practice setting boundaries by rehearsal. Before you set a boundary with a particular person, verbalize what you plan to say, to a friend or to yourself in front of a mirror.

Think through what you’re going to say if they push back, keeping “I statements” in mind. And work through any issues that you think may arise during the conversation, ahead of time.

If you continue to struggle with boundary setting over time, consider seeing a mental health professional or even going to a support group to work through different sticking points. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, and you’re not weak — just too willing to make others comfortable at your own expense!

In parting…

Learning how to set boundaries is a process, but you will improve over time. Whether you found this article by searching “boundaries meaning,” “what are my boundaries,” or “how to set boundaries,” know that it is possible to start sticking up for yourself–and to feel comfortable doing so.

Working through automatic submission to others may take a while. But it will go faster if you build evidence for yourself that your needs are valid. Practice advocating for yourself as often as possible, and you’ll begin to see that good people will respect the boundaries you assert.

If you’d like to talk about issues with boundaries, concerns about a specific situation, or just the struggle of being a human in 2020 — you can chat with understanding peers 24/7 and fully anonymous, here.

The post How To Know Your Boundaries And Assert Them Without Guilt appeared first on Supportiv.