You may have realized you are incompatible with your friend, or you may spot toxic behaviors you want to move away from. Alternatively, you may have simply grown apart, or they might have broken up with you. Whatever the reason, friendship breakups are sometimes unavoidable and always painful.

Losing a friend can be as challenging and painful as any other kind of breakup. You usually expect a close friend to always have your back and be there for you. So it can be confusing and upsetting not to be able to rely on “your person.” You probably would’ve turned to your friend for support in this kind of situation, but now that communication channel is closed.

If you have recently gone through a friend breakup, we hope these steps will help you to grieve and heal. (We also recommend Season 3 Episode 6 of Netflix’s Love, for a comforting take on the topic)

Step 1: Communicate Openly

The first step begins with the breakup itself. Try to communicate openly with your friend during the breakup so that you both have a chance for closure. This will help to soften the blow of the breakup, reduce hurt feelings and leave you more ready to face the future without your friend. Furthermore, approaching your friend with compassion, rather than anger, will go a long way in healing, according to shame researcher Brené Brown. 

Step 2: Acknowledge the Sadness

It can be hard to be honest about the sadness of losing a friend, especially because we tend to focus more on the heartbreak of romantic breakups. But friendship breakups can be equally heartbreaking and disorienting — or even more so, since you entrust friends to share in so much of your emotional world.

Meditating and journaling are both excellent ways to process your emotions and calm yourself, especially in moments when the loss overwhelms you.

Step 3: Allow Yourself to Grieve, Even a “Bad” Friendship

When a toxic or abusive person leaves your life, you might feel like you are not allowed to grieve the loss. Your most well-meaning friends and family might tell you that you are “better off” without them and urge you to move on. But even “bad” friendships deserve grieving time.

Grief coach Shelby Forsythia explains, “In grieving people who are wrong for us, we are grieving the relationship and connection we had to them, but we are also grieving the hopes, dreams, and expectations we held for the relationship.” Friend share so much. It is only natural that you feel sad at the loss, even if you acknowledge the relationship was toxic.

These two feelings can co-exist. It is vital that you allow yourself to grieve now instead of trying to shove the feelings into a box and put on a brave face! They will only come up later if you hide them away.

Step 4: Find a Sympathetic Ear

Without your friend, you might feel like there’s no one to turn to to discuss your post-breakup feelings. Acknowledge the support system you do have in other friends, partners, family members and caring figures in your community. Don’t be afraid to open up about your pain with others. 

Citing a 1988 study, Psychology Today notes that “simply talking about our problems and sharing our negative emotions with someone we trust can be profoundly healing—reducing stress, strengthening our immune system, and reducing physical and emotional distress.” It is a vital part of the healing process.

If you have a hard time opening up to people close to you — especially in the scenario that they thing you’re better off without that friend, as we mentioned in Step #3 — find someone you can share with in a judgement-free way. A therapist or Supportiv group may help in this circumstance.

Step 5: Be Honest About Your Part

Breakups are rarely only the fault of one person. Acknowledging your role in your friendship breakup is an important step in acceptance, and will help you in your future friendships. 

Perhaps you avoided confrontation with a friend until it was too late and tensions boiled over. Maybe you chose to look past behaviors that deeply bothered you, because you thought you would not be a good friend if you did not accept your friend for who they are. 

If you can recognize your behavior patterns, you can work to change them, and to build stronger and healthier friendships in the future.

Step 6: Choose Self-Care Over Guilt and Shame

At the end of a relationship, you might feel guilty and ashamed. You might want to punish yourself for “not being a good enough friend” and for failing to keep a friendship alive. Or you might even feel guilt at your own relief that a toxic friendship is over. 

You can acknowledge your role in the friendship breakup without letting it paralyze you from moving forward. Instead of dwelling on what went wrong, think about actionable ways to address communication struggles and conflict in the future. 

You also do not have to torture yourself by remaining involved in an ex-friend’s life, for example, by following them on social media or still attending their events. You are allowed to check out and do what you need to heal. 

Set boundaries for yourself and abide by them. You do not owe it to your ex-friend to put yourself in uncomfortable situations. Use your precious time and energy to work towards your goals and take care of yourself, whether by eating well, going to the gym, taking up a new hobby or spending time with friends that are a comfort to you.

Remember that you are allowed to move on and be happy. You are not a bad person because your friendship did not work out. 

It may be hard to see now, but remember that there are people in your life who want to support you, and you are worthy of healthy, happy friendships.

The post How To Move On From A Friendship Breakup, In 6 Steps appeared first on Supportiv.

You didn’t even hint at your discomfort, because you didn’t realize it was a problem for you, until after-the-fact. What would help in this situation? Learning your boundaries.

Setting boundaries is both nerve-wracking and necessary, but it remains impossible without getting to know your boundaries. Few of us learn our own personal boundaries while growing up, and many others sacrifice their boundaries for others’ sake.

To learn about our own boundaries is to begin healing. We can’t fault ourselves for not knowing our boundaries, but we must do the work of getting to know them before we can start honoring them.

Use the jump list below, or browse to find answers to your questions.

• What are boundaries?
• Why we need boundaries for our mental health
• How do I learn what my boundaries are?
  • What do I need in order to feel comfortable?
• What does setting boundaries look like?
• Types of boundaries
  • Physical boundaries
  • Emotional boundaries
  • Material boundaries
  • Time boundaries
  • Intellectual boundaries
  • Sexual boundaries
  • Spiritual boundaries
• Who are you setting boundaries with?
• How to set boundaries
  • Tips for friends and finance
  • Tips for family
• What do you do when someone doesn’t respect your boundaries?
• How to be assertive and calmly stand up for yourself
  • Express your needs from the right perspective
  • Banish any guilt over asserting yourself
  • Study your personal assertiveness roadblocks
• Scared of honoring your own needs?
• In parting…

What are boundaries?

Boundaries are the standards we set as necessary to care for ourselves and keep our relationships healthy. Boundaries let others know what we need and what makes us uncomfortable.

While the word “boundary” may sound harsh, these expressions of our personal needs are fundamental for maintaining emotional health. You can also call your boundaries your limits, your needs, or your expectations, depending on the situation. 

The intent behind setting a boundary is to show up for ourselves in a functional way. It’s about what you allow in your life, your schedule, your mind, and your relationships. How people will react to boundaries will vary due to where they’re at in terms of understanding the function of a boundary, but the intent behind a boundary isn’t to hurt anyone. 

Why we need boundaries for our mental health

When we lose sight of our own needs and the boundaries we require, it becomes much easier to get used to disrespect.

A boundary distinguishes what you are and are not ok with, in a way that is clear and tangible for others. When you set a boundary, you tell others what your needs are. As such, boundaries are an essential part of having and keeping healthy relationships. 

Just like, “you can’t pour from an empty cup,” you can’t do what you can’t do, give what you aren’t comfortable giving, or be present for what you aren’t comfortable being present for and simultaneously maintain a healthy relationship. In order to maintain healthy relationships, boundaries must exist and be respected.

A lack of boundaries or respect for others’ often creates unspoken negative feelings, resentment, and conflict. These painful emotions build up and can ultimately lead to the demise of an interpersonal relationship, whether with a friend, family member, or romantic partner.

Without boundaries, a relationship’s give-and-take becomes uneven, though neither side may be aware of that. Or in the case of emotional and physical boundaries, you may feel violated, disrespected, or even exhausted if your boundaries are crossed. While you might be a giver and want to please those around you, you cannot get through life without learning the boundaries you need to stay healthy.

Setting boundaries is challenging, but knowing our boundaries in the first place can pose an even greater hurdle to self-advocacy. So how can you know your boundaries, before feeling comfortable asserting them?

How do I learn what my boundaries are?

In general, it’s important to think about what you want in your life. Who are the people in your life that make you feel good? Why do they make you feel good? Likely, the positive connections in your life are uplifting and respectful of your autonomy. In the case that there’s a a minor conflict, you’re probably able to hear each other out and work through it.

Conversely, who are the people in your life that you don’t feel good around? For whatever reason.

Do they treat you as less-than intellectually or cross your boundaries? Do they tell you that you’re overly sensitive when you ask them to stop doing something that makes you uncomfortable in any capacity?

Think about what you require for self-preservation in different situations.

• Does it exhaust you to know that a person in your life will get upset if you don’t reply to their texts right away?
• Does it bother you when people ask invasive questions? Is a family member or partner telling a crude joke that makes you uncomfortable?
• Are there topics that trigger trauma, a mental health condition, or strong negative emotions you have?
• Similarly, is there something that you’re simply not comfortable talking about or something that doesn’t require a repetitive conversation?

These are all instances where you might want to set a boundary. When you’re in a situation that requires preserving yourself in some capacity, it’s time to set and assert a boundary.

Ask yourself questions about what is generally okay and not okay with you, to get the gist of what your boundaries might be. Then get familiar with these boundaries, and remind yourself of them often. Regularly keeping your boundaries in mind helps you notice –and stand up for yourself — when someone crosses one.

What does setting boundaries look like?

All of us have set boundaries in our lives. If you’ve said any of the following, then you’ve set a boundary.

• “Please don’t touch me,” 
• “I need to go to bed,” 
• “I can’t work for free,” 
• “Please knock before you come in,” or
• “No.”

Setting boundaries can also sound like: “I love getting to see you. Can you please give me a heads up when you stop by in the future?” Whether the reason is that an unannounced guest freaks your pet out, or that it triggers your anxiety, not everyone is okay with their friends or family members stopping by without notice. It’s not only okay, but also healthy to assert your need. 

The above is only one of many types of boundaries one can assert. 

Types of boundaries

Physical boundaries

Physical boundaries refer to physical touch, our bodies, and our physical space. Setting a physical boundary might range from

• “I need to eat lunch and will call you back later,”
• “Please do not touch me,”
• “I love you; please don’t kiss me on the cheek. I’m not comfortable with it,” or
• “I’m teaching my kids about boundaries – please don’t hug my children or me without asking first.”

Emotional boundaries

Emotional boundaries are sometimes the hardest to set. Emotional boundaries refer to our feelings, our capacity to be there for others emotionally, and our limits on how much we’re comfortable sharing. Emotional boundaries can also reflect our limits for taking on others’ struggles.

Setting an emotional boundary might look like saying,

• “I need to step aside and cool down before we have this conversation,”
• “Please do not bring that topic up in conversation if I am around,”
• “I love you and I’m so sorry that you’re struggling right now; I’m at work and can’t talk,” or
• “I want so badly to be there for you, but I am also having a hard time and don’t have the emotional space to help right now.”

Material boundaries 

Material boundaries are about your possessions, including money and personal belongings. Your material boundaries also include limits as to what you can or cannot give to another person.

Setting a material boundary might look like saying:

• “I’m sorry, I can’t lend anyone money right now,” or
• “You can use the car, but I need to use it on Thursday night. Please make sure it still has gas when you return it. “

Time boundaries 

We’re all busy, so as with material boundaries, many of us are familiar with time boundaries.

Time boundaries relate to the amount of time you can or cannot allocate to various situations. Everyone has different commitments, and we need to prioritize our time based on those commitments so that we won’t burn out. To take care of ourselves, we have to allocate an appropriate amount of time for work, school, family, projects we’re working on, and so on.

Setting a time boundary might look like saying:

• “I can only talk for about a half-hour,”
• “I’m sorry, I can’t take on that project right now,” or
• “I won’t be able to make it to the party, but I hope you have a great time!” 

Intellectual boundaries 

It’s likely that you and the people in your life have different opinions on certain topics that you’re both passionate about on an intellectual level.

These differences can fruit productive debate, but without boundaries often cause personal insult and animosity. There are a couple of ways that you can cope in this situation, which you can tailor to the subject matter and the other person’s relationship to you.

If you have a disagreement that is NOT a philosophical dealbreaker, you can simply use the classic “agree to disagree.” That simple phrase can be used to casually set an intellectual boundary.

Another approach to setting intellectual bounds might look like:

“We’ve discussed this topic before, and it’s clear that we have different views. I respect your opinion, and I understand that you respect mine. But for the sake of our relationship, please stop bringing this subject up, and I won’t either.”

It’s also fully acceptable and appropriate to say, “Can we please avoid this topic when we’re together?” No further explanation needed. 

Sexual boundaries

Sexual boundaries pertain to physical intimacy, but they vary from physical boundaries in the sense that they’re specific to sex.

Expressing your needs or discomfort in sexual situations can feel complicated due to our attachment, the relationship’s power dynamic, and fears of being alone. Regardless, sexual boundaries are a frontline defense for our mental health in relationships.

Setting a sexual boundary, at its most basic, looks like a simple, “no.” In sexual situations, there is no excuse for boundary transgressions after the word “no.” Don’t let yourself be guilt-tripped into thinking otherwise.

You might also set a sexual boundary by saying:

• “I don’t want to have sex tonight,”
• “Don’t talk to me like that,”
• “Let me sleep,”
• “Leave me alone,”
• “Stop,”
• “That does not feel good,”
• “Please stop speaking about me in a sexual way,”
• “The way that I dress has nothing to do with you,” or
• “Do not sexualize me, my body, or my apparel.”

Sexual boundaries are essential and should always be met with immediate respect. Anything except for “yes” means “no” when it comes to sex, and you must ask a person for consent before sexualizing them or pursuing them sexually in any manner. 

Spiritual boundaries 

Spiritual boundaries pertain to our religious or spiritual beliefs. You likely have a friend of different spiritual or religious beliefs.

A spiritual boundary can look like saying:

• “I am so glad that you found a church you love. That said, I’m happy with attending my own,”
• “I respect your religious beliefs. I have my own and ask that you please respect those as well,” or
• “I don’t feel comfortable with conversations about religion. I don’t mind that you’re religious, but please don’t bring it up when I’m around.” 

There are many different types of boundaries, and the situations we set them in may require nuance and tact. The nature of our relationship to the person we’re communicating with, the nature of our emotions, and the strength of our feelings all play a role in how we set boundaries.

Who are you setting boundaries with?

Some boundaries can be harder to set than others, and it can be more difficult to set boundaries with certain people than others. One’s comfort level in setting boundaries depends on the other person’s respect for your needs, and on the role that this person plays (or has played) in your life.

You can establish boundaries with partners that you can’t with your children, and you can set boundaries with your friends that you can’t with your boss. That said, in any situation, there is a way to protect your personal needs. 

How to set boundaries

First, remember that “no” is a complete sentence.

In many situations, and with many different types of boundaries, it’s appropriate to simply say, “I’m not comfortable talking about that. Please stop bringing this up with me.”

Tips for friends and finance

When it comes to more nuanced issues such as those related to finance, however, you may have to get more specific.

Let’s say that you work in a creative or service field such as accounting, copywriting, or doing nails. You have a friend that wants you to “hook them up” or asks you if they can pay you later for providing that service to them right now.

It feels uncomfortable when you want to help your friend, but they don’t see their request might harm you. In this case, you can say something like:

• “Would love to help, but I don’t have availability to complete that project right now,”
• “Unfortunately, I need to reserve all my working hours for paying clients right now. Once I’m more stable I can devote some time,” or
• “I need to keep my payments and services consistent and can’t bend protocol for friends; it’s unfair to other people.”

Tips for family

Another tricky situation is setting boundaries with family, particularly as an adult or as an emerging adult. Sometimes, this will require a long heart-to-heart conversation, as parents may struggle to respect their children’s autonomy.

A personal perspective: I know that I have had to (and continue to have to) set boundaries with my own family as someone who’s undergone an eating disorder and eating disorder treatment. A personal boundary I have is that I can’t be around diet or weight loss talk.

Additionally, as a teen, my therapist and I decided that it’s vital for me to live in a scale-free home. This sort of conversation will often require you to go in-depth about your situation, particularly for family members who aren’t used to you asserting your needs just yet. They will likely understand, but if you feel invalidated or frustrated, it’s always okay to excuse yourself from a conversation or to leave the room. 

What do you do when someone doesn’t respect your boundaries?

Many people will respect your boundaries the first time around, whereas others will require frequent reminding and reassertion of your needs. 

Boundaries are a way to protect ourselves and our space, so when someone really isn’t getting it and constantly crosses your boundaries, you might start to feel that they aren’t listening to your requests in the first place. One thing that we know for sure is that we can’t control other people; only ourselves.

So if someone repeatedly ignores your boundaries, or makes you feel like you have to defend and justify your boundaries, you have a decision to make. How will you respond to this disrespect, as an advocate for yourself?

The other person isn’t making the situation any better, so it’s up to you. Some options:

• Leave the room
• Hang up the phone 
• Change the subject
• Repeat your reply of “no” or your request for respect, until they acknowledge it or go away
• Limit the amount of time you spend with someone who struggles with boundaries, or only spend time with them when you have lots of emotional energy
• Cut ties entirely with someone who continues to disrespect your needs

As mentioned earlier, there will be some variations in the way you defend your boundaries with different people. But the above examples can serve as templates to tailor to your situation.

Talking to a mental health professional can also be extremely helpful when it comes to difficulties with boundary setting. When you find yourself feeling hurt after a person in your life dismisses your boundaries, talking to a counselor, or even asking a friend if you can vent is incredibly helpful. Having a support system is crucial for all of us, and having people in your life that acknowledge the concept of boundaries can be a life-saver when we’re dealing with others who don’t.

How to be assertive and calmly stand up for yourself

Learning how to be assertive is helpful in situations where people overstep your boundaries, or where you have personal difficulty setting them. If you would like to set the record straight rather than removing yourself, use the tips below to be both assertive and productive.

Express your needs from the right perspective.

When someone repeatedly ignores your boundaries, it can feel like they do it intentionally. Whether that’s true or not, asserting yourself really only works when it’s about what you need to be healthy and happy, rather than the other person’s inherent wickedness.

If you are concerned about assertiveness coming off in a way that’s too harsh, try to use “I” statements when setting boundaries. This will allow you to assert yourself, without making the other person feel attacked. When people feel less attacked, they remain more open to what you say, and more willing to acknowledge any boundary transgressions.

Banish any guilt over asserting yourself.

Reiterating and enforcing your boundaries might feel awkward at first, as if you’re being too sensitive or demanding. Don’t let anyone make you feel that way! It’s important to learn to be assertive in life when you’re not treated well, and standing up for yourself is a crucial skill in boundary setting and maintenance.

When you have a need that impacts your physical or emotional well-being, you must treat it as something that is foundational in your life. You are not being petty for noting the need and its impact on you.

Study your personal assertiveness roadblocks.

Think about what is making it difficult for you to be assertive in the first place.

• Is it the way that you grew up?
• Is it patterns in society that affect you or make you feel that you need to remain small for others?
• Is it a matter of shyness?
• Do you worry that people will leave if you express your needs?

These are all extremely common feelings–even more so if you’ve ever experienced abuse or manipulation. Once you scope out what is holding you back from advocating for yourself, you can work through that and learn to take your own side without fear.

Scared of honoring your own needs?

Maybe, you are used to being there for other people and attending to their needs, but are less attentive to your own. This does not mean you are doomed to a life of serving others at your own expense. You can use your caring tendency as a skill.

Think of what you would do if you witnessed someone breaking your own boundaries. If you were standing up for someone else in the same situation, what might you say or do to straighten out the situation?

If you would feel ok defending someone else in this situation, then why question the validity of the needs you’ve expressed? You are in the right for requesting fair treatment.

Another thing that you can do is to practice setting boundaries by rehearsal. Before you set a boundary with a particular person, verbalize what you plan to say, to a friend or to yourself in front of a mirror.

Think through what you’re going to say if they push back, keeping “I statements” in mind. And work through any issues that you think may arise during the conversation, ahead of time.

If you continue to struggle with boundary setting over time, consider seeing a mental health professional or even going to a support group to work through different sticking points. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, and you’re not weak — just too willing to make others comfortable at your own expense!

In parting…

Learning how to set boundaries is a process, but you will improve over time. Whether you found this article by searching “boundaries meaning,” “what are my boundaries,” or “how to set boundaries,” know that it is possible to start sticking up for yourself–and to feel comfortable doing so.

Working through automatic submission to others may take a while. But it will go faster if you build evidence for yourself that your needs are valid. Practice advocating for yourself as often as possible, and you’ll begin to see that good people will respect the boundaries you assert.

If you’d like to talk about issues with boundaries, concerns about a specific situation, or just the struggle of being a human in 2020 — you can chat with understanding peers 24/7 and fully anonymous, here.

The post How To Know Your Boundaries And Assert Them Without Guilt appeared first on Supportiv.

Sometimes distractions help, like talking to new, understanding people.

But stopping a nostalgic or resentful train of thought is harder than it seems. Pull the emergency brake and follow these steps for how to stop thinking about someone, both right now and in the long term.

Fast Ways To Forget About Someone

(Pro tip: talking to someone else, like in a 24/7 anonymous chat, is the fastest.)

1. Stop Virtual Stalking

The last thing you need when you’re figuring out how to stop thinking about someone is constant notifications about them. Unfollow, unsubscribe and unfriend! 

Constantly checking who they’re hanging out with or what they’re up to is only going to slow down your recovery. Regular posts about them can also cause unpleasant flashbacks. Do yourself a favor and remove the temptation by removing them on social media or blocking them. Also remove any of their friends with whom you aren’t close.

2. Toss Nostalgic Memorabilia 

Physical reminders also make it harder to forget someone. Get rid of all of the items that remind you of them! 

Maybe it’s a hoodie, a framed picture, or photos on your phone. If these items have financial value and you’re reluctant to throw them away, consider boxing them up and leaving them with a friend. Your emotional connection to them may fade eventually.

3. No Contact Rule

We’ve all been there — you may feel tempted to contact the person and stir the pot of emotions again. Don’t fall into this trap. Follow the no contact rule! 

Don’t text, call, or message them, and minimize contact any way you can. This means avoiding places you know they visit often, like their favorite coffee shop. While you may think you want to see or talk to them again, all you’re doing is indulging masochistic drives and torturing yourself.

If you really have to communicate with this person for financial, logistical, or other reasons, consider appointing a friend as a go-between. If this person needs to get you a message, they can send it to your friend, and vice versa.

4. Move Your Body

Don’t sit at home all day and ruminate about this person. Go out and experience the world by yourself or with other positive people in your life. 

Even better, try some hobbies you couldn’t engage in while this person was around in your life. No matter what you choose to do, engage yourself in something physical and remind yourself that an entire world exists without them. 

5. Transport your Mind

If you can’t get up and go out, try some techniques to shift your mind space. This can be as simple as closing your eyes and imagining a place you love to be in. 

If that’s too unstructured for you, try asking a friend if you can help with something on their mind. Attending to others’ problems easily removes you from your immediate world. You can also read an engrossing novel or watch something on Netflix. 

Let your mind roam where this person doesn’t occupy and can’t intrude. 

6. Imagine a the future, when you’ll be with someone who…

• Loves you most on the days you’re not trying
• Sees how your mind works
• Values your quirks
• Automatically meets you halfway
• Shares a sense of humor
• Respects your autonomy
• Gets to know your friends
• Hears you out
• Makes you feel calm
• Gives you strength

Slow Ways To Get Someone Out Of Your Head

6. Forgive To Forget

This one is really difficult for many people, but just as essential. This person probably hurt you, bad, in some way. For your own sake, not theirs, don’t wish ill upon them. Fueling yourself with constant anger will make it harder to forget this person.

One way to do this is to imagine yourself sending this person a ball of white light and surrounding them with it. You can also try drafting a letter to them, and achieve closure by releasing emotions.

7. Respect Yourself

How to stop thinking about someone that you still love? How about thinking of someone else you still love — yourself!

Often, we put people on pedestals even if they mistreated us, causing obsessive thoughts, self-blame and doubt. You deserve better.

Build yourself up by engaging in empowering activities and thinking about your own emotional needs. One example of this is treating yourself to an entire self care day.

8. Let Yourself Feel The Pain

All of the strategies used to move on only work if you’ve allowed yourself the proper time to grieve. The end of any relationship, even if it was toxic, can be painful.

Trying to move on without validating your emotions can lead to denial and suppression – building up the pressure in a bottle you’ll eventually have to open. 

Before you try to forget, walk yourself through the course of what happened with this person. Let yourself feel the pain and sadness that is due, and then let it go.

9. Avoid Substances

In the search for a quick fix brain cleanse, you may consider falling back on alcohol or other substances. While these may offer temporary relief, they also dig you into a deeper pit. 

Substances can also lower your inhibitions, making it easier to contact the person you want to forget – and then you’ll have to start this whole process over again. Put down the shot glasses and find other ways to distract yourself, like talking to understanding strangers.

10. Look Forward With Excitement

Learn to accept that you can’t go back in time and change what happened. However, this person is not a permanent mark on your life — there’s so much more to come.

Consider sharing your excitement for the future with supportive folks!

You have the ability to mold yourself by learning from past experiences. Whether these experiences were good or bad, each relationship we have gives us wisdom we can apply to the future. You’ve already learned that you deserve better, that you are resilient and that you are capable.

11. Talk To Someone Else!

Hopefully these tips on how to stop thinking about someone have helped you feel better today. If you’re seeking support and need help distracting yourself from a certain individual, consider reaching out to Supportiv’s peer support network.

Hit Chat Now, enter what’s on your mind, and you’ll be connected with understanding folks in less than a minute. No bots, no personal information – just support.

The post How To Stop Thinking About Someone: 10 Steps appeared first on Supportiv.

Listening —really listening— is not intuitive. Most people are not good at it! And, unfortunately, not feeling heard leads people to feel misunderstood, lonely, and frustrated. They’re also more likely to emotionally detach themselves from the people who aren’t listening to them. Here, we’ll walk through tried and true techniques for how to be a better listener. 

1. Active Listening

“Active listening” was described by psychologists Carl Rogers and Richard E. Farson in the 1950s, and the influence behind this term runs strong today. Research has demonstrated that people who consistently provide emotional support for their partner have higher relationship satisfaction levels, indicating that listening to your loved one can increase feelings of bonding and closeness for the both of you. Similarly, friendships characterized by high communication skills derive an increased relationship quality. Active listening serves to strengthen our social ties, forge deeper connections, and make us feel less alone. So how do you do it? 

To begin with, practice saying less when listening. It sounds obvious, but it’s harder than you’d think. We often want to talk, to relate experiences to ourselves, and to direct conversations. It takes effort to truly just listen, but your conversational partner will surely appreciate it. Plus, when you focus more on hearing what they’re saying and less on thinking about what you’re going to say, you can make sure 100% of your attention is on them. 

Try this: Limit your responses to head nods and gentle affirmative statements, such as “I see,” or even just “mhm.”  

Even if the other person stops talking, allow a comfortable silence. You’d be surprised how often they open up even further when given the chance. 

2. Validating

Next, you’ll want to periodically validate what they’re saying. In active listening, the listener validates the partner’s feelings rather than the situation itself. Even if you disagree with the person’s thoughts or actions, you can still understand why they might feel or think that way. 

Try this: “I can see why you’d feel that way,” or “That makes sense,” or “I can understand that.” 

Validating your conversational partner’s thoughts and feelings will empower them to further express themselves and feel comfortable connecting with you. At the end of the day, we all just want someone who will understand us. 

3. Summarizing

When you do talk, use the summarize method. Paraphrase what they told you so that they know they’re being heard and understood. Remember to ask for corrections in case you’re not fully understanding them. 

Try this: “It sounds like you feel/think x. Is that right?” 

This three-step technique of hearing, validating, and summarizing keeps the focus on the conversation partner, allowing them to express themselves in a supportive and understanding environment. 

Accordingly, you’ll want to avoid spreading into areas that can come across as judgmental, directive, or invalidating. We have a few tricks for that, too. 

4. Asking Questions

When asking questions, focus on feelings, not facts. Avoid “why” questions; instead use “how” or “what” questions. 

Try this: “How do you feel about x?” or “What does y mean to you?” or “How is z affecting you?” 

Avoid this: “Why do you feel x?” and “Why don’t you just do y?” 

Asking people “why” puts pressure on them to justify their own feelings and experiences. “Why” questions make your conversational partner defensive rather than expressive. Asking more exploratory questions (how/what) rather than demanding questions (why) will provide a comfortable environment for them to express themselves how they want to, at their own pace. 

5. Rephrasing

Lastly, remember that they are the expert on their own feelings. They are usually not opening up to you to be told what to do or how to feel; they are opening up to you to be heard and understood. As such, avoid giving advice, making judgments, or trying to change the way they feel. 

“You should just x” becomes “What do you think you’d want to do next?” or “What are your options moving forward?” 

“You shouldn’t do that/I wouldn’t have done that” becomes “I can see why you’d do that.” 

“You should feel x because y” becomes “It makes sense to feel x in this situation.” 

Avoiding judgment, advice, and reinterpretation is difficult. You’ll likely see things in a different light than your conversational partner, and it’s natural to want to express that perspective. But remember that you’re hearing only a part of the puzzle; they’re living it. You’re here to listen, not tell. If you keep that in mind, you’ll be a great listener in no time. 

To practice active listening, try starting a conversation with a friend or family member, or enter a Supportiv chat room any time of day or night.

Remember that it takes time and effort to be a great listener, and give yourself the patience and understanding that you’re working to provide to others. 

At the end of the day, we all just want to feel heard. Sometimes, the simple act of opening up to someone makes us feel better — but only if they’re a kind and supportive listener. If we all worked to be a little bit better at listening, we could forge deeper connections with each other, feel more comfortable with other people’s (and our own) emotions, and feel less alone.

The post How Not To Suck At Listening appeared first on Supportiv.

Here, we’ll try to tackle some of the most common questions people have when exploring their sexual identity, so you can figure out where you fit.

First, Some Basic Terminology:

• Biological sex assigned at birth: based on the genitalia one is born with
• Gender: based on what a person feels or knows they truly are
• Cisgender: gender identity matches the biological sex assigned at birth
• Transgender: gender identity is different than the biological sex assigned at birth
• LGBTQIA+: not cisgender and/or not heterosexual – somewhere on the spectrum of gender and sexual fluidity

Many people believe that biology determines gender and sexual orientation. They believe that the only “right” thing to be is cisgender and heterosexual (i.e., your gender identity matches with your biological sex and you are attracted only to those of the “opposite” sex).

However, this idea is refuted both by culture and biology itself. That’s right — even biology doesn’t really support binary gender labels.

Biology and Culture

Many people are born with both sets of genitalia, and these people are usually termed “intersex.” They are perhaps the most obvious example of the limitations of the biological binary.

Furthermore, there is genetic and neurological evidence of variations in physiological gender/sexuality markers. For example, some research has found that the brains of transgender people more closely match the brains of the gender they align with than the brains of the biological sex they were assigned at birth (i.e., a transgender woman’s brain likely looks more like a cisgender woman’s brain than a cisgender man’s brain).

Outside of biology, culture has a huge influence on gender and sexuality. For example, in ancient Greece, high-status men commonly gravitated to both men and women. Ancient Greeks did not even have terms for being “heterosexual” or “homosexual.”  

Perhaps most famously in our modern culture, historical scholar Michel Foucault defined sexuality as an entirely social construct.

Regardless of the exact biological and social bases of gender and sexuality, it’s clear that there’s no cut-and-dry “normal” way that everyone should be.

How Do I Know What I “Am”?

You are an amazing, wonderful, and unique human. Part of being a person in the world is being different from anyone else in it.

It may take days, months, or decades to find what feels exactly “right” to you — and that’s fine.

For one thing, sexual identity can change over time. Some people directly identify as genderfluid or as having a fluid sexuality, and others simply adjust their labels as they learn more about themselves.

Either way, whatever you decide for yourself is not set in stone.

Please, never feel bad for exploring your identity, whether you’re just getting started or you’ve been using a given label for years. You will always be part of the LGBTQIA+ community (if you want to be).

Regardless of whether your identity changes or becomes even more deeply ingrained, you are valid and your identity is valid.

To Label or Not To Label?

Labeling is a useful and efficient way of explaining who we are to others. We each use lots of different labels, and not just for gender and sexuality — for example, I could say that I am cisgender, bisexual/pansexual, agnostic, short, motivated, sporty, etc. No single label captures my identity holistically; rather, these labels are like shortcuts.

Labels can often be personally comforting for some LGBTQIA+ folks; they can help normalize your identity by providing an anchor around which to organize your experiences.

On the other hand, labels can also feel restrictive or minimizing, especially if you feel like your gender or sexual identity is very complex or variable. It makes sense to feel like none of the labels “fit” or really capture who you are. And it feels the worst to be mis-labeled by someone else.

Use labels as far as they make you feel more comfortable, but don’t feel like you have to quantify your entire set of sexual and romantic preferences for others to understand. Your gender identity is private information. No one is entitled to know except you — unless, of course, you want to share it.

Regardless of whether you choose to use labels or not, your identity will always be complex, multifaceted, and entirely your own. That said, you may need to decide on which pronouns to go by, since it may come up in daily life.

What Pronouns Should I Use?

That’s up to you! If you identify as male, you probably want to be called “he/him.” If you identify as female, you probably use “she/her.”

For those who are nonbinary, you can ask to be called “they/them,” or you can make use of gender-neutral pronouns such as “zie/zim” or “e/em.” Some cisgender allies also go by “they/them” to promote more inclusive use of pronouns.

If someone misgenders you, it is absolutely within your right to correct them. Something direct may sound like “Sorry, it’s actually sir/ma’am,” or “I prefer to be called ‘they.’”

Something more indirect can involve inserting your name or preferred pronouns into your next sentence, like “I’m not sure we’ve been properly introduced yet — I’m Sarah.”

What Do I Tell Other People?

The following list lays out some (not all) sexual identities. You can identify with many of these terms at once, or maybe only one, or maybe none. You can have your own label(s), or, you can keep your identity totally private.

The following terms can help you communicate your preferences to others, if you so choose.

As you read through, take note of what resonates with you. Look into these terms. You can find lots more background on them, and many more perspectives on them than what’s written here.

Gender Identities:

This section is about your gender, or your own identity within your body and self.

• Cisgender
  • My gender identity matches the biological sex I was assigned at birth.

• Transgender
  • My gender identity is different than the biological sex I was assigned at birth.

• Genderfluid
  • My gender identity is variable and may shift from time to time.

• Genderqueer/Nonbinary/Gendernonconforming
  • My gender identity is outside of the male/female binary.

Sexual Orientations:

This section is about the genders you experience attraction toward.

• Heterosexual
  • I am attracted to the opposite gender in the gender binary.

• Gay
  • I identify as a man and am attracted to men.

• Lesbian
  • I identify as a woman and am attracted to women.

• Bisexual
  • I am attracted to my same gender and at least one other gender.(this can mean two, more, or all genders)

• Polysexual
  • I am attracted to multiple genders. (this can mean some genders or all genders)

• Pansexual
  • I am attracted to people regardless of their gender identification. (this means all genders)
  • some people use “bi,” “poly,” and “pan” interchangeably

• Asexual
  • I do not experience sexual attraction. (but I may experience other types of attraction)
    • (you can be asexual and also identify as gay/lesbian/bi/poly/pan)
  • Asexual aromantic: I do not experience sexual attraction or romantic/emotional attraction

Sexual Preferences:

This section is about the circumstances in which you experience sexual attraction (regardless of your/their gender).

• Asexual
  • I do not experience sexual attraction.
• Graysexual
  • I sometimes, but not often, experience sexual attraction.
• Autosexual
  • I prefer masturbation over sexual activity with others.
• Demisexual
  • I only experience sexual attraction when I have a deep emotional connection with the other person.
• Sapiosexual
  • I experience sexual attraction on the basis of intelligence.
• Polyamorous
  • I (sometimes) experience more than one sexual/romantic relationship at once.

These labels are not exhaustive. You can be none, one, a few, or most of these sexual identities. Feel free to use these definitions as a guide to pinpointing your own personal identity, but also don’t hesitate to explore outside these exact terms.

Take time to discover yourself like you’re tasting a fine wine. Or trying all the fancy cheeses at Whole Foods. You’ll probably miss out on a few of the subtler notes at first, but over time, you’ll start to develop a palate for your identity.

Celebrate every new discovery, and don’t be afraid to change your labels when you want to. The LGBTQIA+ community was built for inclusion — whatever your sexual identity, the community will welcome you with open arms.

If you want to talk to someone while you figure it all out, visit Supportiv’s anonymous chat – you will be matched with a virtual support group of people who are also exploring their sexuality.

Who knows — you may discover something new today.

The post Understanding Your Sexual And Gender Identity: A Guide appeared first on Supportiv.

“There are three kinds of friends: friends for a reason, friends for a season, and friends for a lifetime.” My aunt sent me this quote when I was struggling with the end of a close friendship in college, and I have thought about it often in the years since. 

We don’t often think about the “friends for a season” part. As in romantic relationships, in the thick of a friendship, it is hard to imagine that your feelings for each other will ever fade, let alone end abruptly in a “friend breakup.”

The truth is, friendships do end. Sometimes we move away and do not see a person enough to maintain the relationship. Sometimes our priorities simply change as we grow up and grow apart. 

Any kind of friend breakup can be painful, but the hardest might possibly be having to break up with a friend, yourself. You might realize that, for your wellbeing, you have to call it quits on a friendship that is no longer serving you. But how do you know when and how to break up with a friend?

When It Might Be Right To End A Friendship

If you feel like this isn’t a healthy or fulfilling relationship anymore, it can help to explore these feelings. Maybe your gut instinct makes sense, or maybe it’s worth another shot with this friend. Check out some signs of when to break up with a friend, below.

You’re Growing Apart

People change as they grow. It is clear to see how these changes can affect friendships in childhood, high school and even college.

You may bond with someone because of close proximity; they may be the neighbor in your cul-de-sac, your deskmate at school, or your roommate in the dorms. But as your lives evolve, you may find you no longer have as much in common as you once did.

You may notice that your friend does not make as much time to call you or ask you to hang out. You may be the one not returning your friend’s texts as often. In either case, be honest about what you want: Do you want to invest more in this friendship, and is your friend willing to do the same for you? 

If you feel you’ve naturally grown apart, it may be for the best to have a discussion about how to repair the friendship, or decide to end things on good terms. You do not have to force a friendship that is no longer working. Pretending that everything is okay if you do not feel good about the friendship is also a strain for both parties involved. 

You’re Incompatible

Incompatibility is related to the issue of growing apart, but can be an issue between new friends as much as old ones. Life coach Teal Swan explains that “for relationships to work, they have to feel good to both people involved in the relationship.” When two people have wildly different communication styles, value systems, or expectations of each other, the issue at hand is incompatibility. 

In an example scenario, Alicia expects her friend Sarah to be her support system. Whenever Alicia has a boyfriend problem, she wants to call her to vent and be heard, but not necessarily advised. Sarah wants to be there for her friend. But she also disagrees with how Alicia is handling the problems with her BF, and does not feel she can be honest without hurting Alicia’s feelings (or worse, breaking her trust).

If this continues, Alicia will not feel the authentic support she craves, and Sarah will feel increasing resentment about Alicia’s needs. Both sides become even less willing to listen and support each other.

In such a scenario, it may not be possible to find a compromise between the two friends’ needs. The key is understanding that this does not make either person “a bad friend.” They simply are not a good match to the other’s needs, and should find friendships that better align with their expectations and abilities.

You Two Have A Lack Of Communication

In another scenario, Charlie might feel his friend Tom is drifting apart from him. He may try to communicate with Tom about it, but be met with silence and an unwillingness to engage. If one party is not open to communicating at all about how to fix the friendship, it is probably a sign that it is time to move on.

You Feel Toxicity Or Abusive Treatment

It is important to differentiate abusive and toxic friendships from others, since they need to be handled differently than the other scenarios listed so far.

Signs of a toxic friendship may include: your friend putting you down, putting other friends down in front of you, gossiping and goading you into saying bad things about others, lying, pressuring you to do things you are uncomfortable with, and not respecting your boundaries.

If the idea of being honest with a friend about how their behavior makes you feel leaves you anxious, sick or scared, it is a good sign that you may be in a toxic or abusive relationship. Do not endanger yourself further by trying to repair it. 

If you feel scared that a friend may react violently to your honest concerns, take caution and take care of yourself. If you fear your friend may react with either physical or verbal abuse, you do not need to put yourself in further proximity to that person in order to “clear the air” or end things on good terms. Your priority is your safety, and you should try to remove yourself from any situation with that person.

Overall, if time with a certain friend leaves you feeling bad more often than it leaves you feeling good, it is most likely time to move on from that friendship.

How to Break Up with a Friend?

If you have now seen the signs and know it is time to break up with a friend, there are ways to help make the process kinder and less painful for all parties involved.

Don’t:

• Cut off all contact without any explanation, or ghost your friend. Even if someone is irritating you, they are still a person who deserves respect and honesty. 
• Lay all of the blame on them. Remember that just because you are incompatible, does not mean either of you is a bad person or bad friend.

Do:

• Take a break from the friendship to clear your thoughts and calm down, especially if you have had an upsetting fight.
• Be clear about your goals. Journaling, writing a letter that you do not have to send, or discussing the situation with a trusted parent or therapist might help you identify what you want from the friendship going forward, or if you really want to end it.
• Find support from people going through similar issues.
• Use “I” statements to ground your conversation in how you are feeling. These help to have an honest conversation without being aggressive or defensive, and keep communication channels open.
• Have the talk in person, rather than over text or email. Meaning can easily be lost over text, so as hard as it feels, give the other person the benefit of meeting face to face. 
• However, in abusive friendships, do not meet in person if it would put you at risk. Instead, send a polite, clear message that you do not want to be friends anymore, and stay firm on your boundaries.

We hope that these tips will help guide you through friendship rough spots and identify when it is really time to move on. If you need help in the aftermath, we also have some tips for helping recover from a friendship breakup.

Remember that the end of a friendship is not always a bad thing: if the friendship is not nurturing you, breaking up with that friend will give you freedom to use your time and energy in more positive ways. Plus, it is never too late to meet friends that align with your value systems and support you in the way you need!

The post When And How To Break Up With A Friend appeared first on Supportiv.

Since being welcomed into a “chosen family,” I’m starting to notice all kinds of ways they show love that my dysfunctional family never did. I’m learning what unconditional love looks like, and I wish my eyes had been opened much sooner!

If you never learned healthy ways to express love, but you want to learn, find some examples below:

Healthy Ways People Show Unconditional Love

1. Allowing them to spend time with other people.

2. Being happy for their accomplishments, even if you wouldn’t personally consider them accomplishments.

3. Letting them communicate in their own time (i.e. understanding their need for boundaries).

4. Going the extra mile to see them happy. For instance, if they drink instant coffee every morning, waking up a little early and making them a pot of real coffee as a treat.

5. Showing them it’s fine when they accidentally fuck up.

6. Understanding who they are, not just what they say. This can be by making creative gifts with personal meaning, writing notes based on what’s important to your partner, pointing out something they’d want to see, etc.

7. Making eye contact because you want to see them and their reaction to the world.

8. Remembering something small from your last conversation with them.

9. Caring about their preferred love languages. For instance, if you like words of affirmation, but they prefer acts of service, you might go out of your way to make them a meal instead of just saying “I love you.” Unconditional love means that each others’ needs are important and respected.

10. Welcoming constructive feedback and conversations about making your relationship better.

The Main Point:

These ways to show unconditional love are really just the tip of the iceberg. Real love means caring about your partner’s individual and sometimes quirky needs (which makes it hard to create more than a short list of universal ways to express your love).

The main takeaway is to pay attention, and to appreciate your partner (/friend, sibling, work spouse) for who they are – not just for what they give you. That’s unconditional love.

“Love makes mistakes ok. Taking others’ mistakes in stride is a great way to show real love.”

The post 10 Ways To Show Unconditional Love If You Never Learned appeared first on Supportiv.

Of all the times you could work on letting others in, now is it. During the COVID-19 crisis, we will all have to actively work to connect with those who can provide support and kind interaction. Keeping up contact can keep us sane through physical isolation and unprecedented uncertainty.

Let’s look at some reasons why we may push others away, and how you can work past them.

You’ve Been Hurt Before

Your hesitation is normal, and you are not alone. Abusive or toxic relationships can tear away at the trust you have for other people. This can make it hard to open up to others, let alone tell them your deepest feelings.

With any trauma, healing takes time. Be kind to yourself and proud that you’re trying to get back out there.

Start with low-key chit chat, like talking about your day or errands you have to run. When you feel more comfortable, you can try connecting with people on more personal topics, outside of work or school.

You Feel Like A Burden

You may push people away because you don’t feel like you’re worth others’ time and energy. This problem relates to low self esteem and self compassion. 

Low self esteem can stem from other mental health struggles, like depression or anxiety. It can also trace back to your childhood, when your inner voice was shaped. A negative inner voice can eat away at your self confidence, making it hard for you to form connections with others.

Get over this hurdle by building your confidence! Mantras work really well.

Try writing a list of your good qualities and keeping it somewhere visible. This will remind you that you are an amazing person, and help you keep your good qualities in mind.

When you remember what’s great about yourself, you’ll have less trouble believing that others actually enjoy spending time with you!

You’re Drained

Honestly, you may want a close friendship or relationship, but may be reluctant to put in the energy to maintain one. Relationships take work; they aren’t all positive, and if you aren’t in a good place to begin with, they can drag you down.

One way to stop pushing people away is to tweak your daily routine. Recognize where you can use your time more wisely, so that you don’t lose energy on unimportant things. For instance, maybe you can fit in quality rest instead of zoning out to TV. 

Cut down on things that you use as distractions, and find ways to do chores more efficiently. This way, you’ll have more stamina to communicate with friends and build up relationships. 

Use your extra energy to reply to texts, put effort into conversations, and show friends that you want to be there. You may find that fostering relationships feels like a rewarding use of energy!

You’re Realizing What You Want

Sometimes we let the wrong people into our lives without realizing it. As hard we try to form a solid connection, something is just a little off.

Our friends may be low-key toxic, or maybe they just don’t have the same interests as we do. We may not always realize why, but a mismatch leads us to slowly stop replying to texts, say no to hanging out, and start distancing ourselves.

That is okay! Not every person you meet will fit well into your life, and you are entitled to back away from relationships that aren’t helping you.

Instead of getting discouraged or beating yourself up, keep an open mind to new relationships that may appear in your life.

The Timing is Tough

A new job, harder classes, family problems. All of these can interfere with your relationships.

You may stop replying to a dear friend’s messages or put hanging out with them on hold. In turn, they may take this as a signal that you aren’t interested and start to step back.

If you are truly interested in keeping them in your life, give them a heads up. This doesn’t have to mean that you tell them everything personal or give an elaborate excuse. 

You can just tell them that you’re sorry if you stop replying as often, but you’re going through a busy time. This communicates that you’re still interested, without pushing them away completely.

Conclusion

No matter the reason, it can feel shameful and lonely to become distanced from others. Especially if you have no idea why you’re pushing people away! 

When you push people away but really need human connection, feel free to reach out to Supportiv. There, you can chat with peers about your emotions, struggles, or just life.

Hit ‘Chat Now,’ enter what’s on your mind, and you’ll get connected to people who understand.

The post Why Do I Push People Away? How To Stop For COVID’s Sake appeared first on Supportiv.

• Have a relationship problem?
• Someone making your life miserable?
• Can’t stop feeling down?
• Or just feeling a little lonely?

In Supportiv’s anonymous peer support chats (free for the first 24 hours and pennies per minute after that), you can chat online to vent or get others’ opinions. It’s quick to find help with any struggle – without judgement.

The trained moderator helps keep things productive – or at the very least, troll-free.

Here’s where to start to get help for any struggle in an online anonymous chat.

How To Use An Online Chat Room To Get Answers

1. Type In What’s On Your Mind.

This part can be overwhelming in most online chats. You might not know how to start, or where exactly to post your questions.

However, if you go to a smart chat room like Supportiv, all you do is hit “Chat Now,” enter your biggest concerns on the homepage, and the rest is set up for you in less than 90 seconds.

You can type in a question for others in a rut, explain that your parent is annoying you, or share your friendship concerns.

Whatever you want to talk about, put it here.

After you type in your thoughts and hit continue, you’ll be asked to enter a username. I picked “Troubled” in this example.

Then, you’ll get matched with people who want to talk about the same things.

2. Get A Feel For The Room.

There might just be one other person there – the moderator. If that’s the case, they can help you work through the situation and decide what to do next. They’ll help you sort out your own thoughts and give you some insight.

If there are multiple people in the online chat room, you’ll have even more opportunities to get advice from people in your boat or coming from a helpful perspective.

At the top of the chat, you’ll see a bar with circles. Those are each of the people in the room. Click the circles to see other peoples’ thoughts and why they’re here.

Try to figure out who you can ask for opinions, or even just sit back and make observations from what they’re talking about. The conversation usually goes in a direction that’s helpful for everyone there.

3. Get Your Answers and Feel Helped.

Once you’re comfortably in the chat, elaborate on your initial thought – you can give details about your problem, ask the opinions of everyone in the chat room, learn if anyone has experienced something similar.

Aside from the helpful answers you get from other users, the moderator can share helpful resources from right within the chat.

Why Use Online Peer Support For Answers?

Get The Other Side’s View, Quickly and Easily

Take the example of relationship problems — always wanted to know what other girls think about your girlfriend’s weird bathroom habits? Want to settle a debate with your boyfriend about whether his text was rude or not?

In an online chat like Supportiv’s, you can easily talk to guys about your girl problems, or talk to girls about your guy problems.

They won’t know who you are, so you don’t have to worry about how you phrase it or how awkward your question is. And you know you’re in a place with people who want to talk about what you do — so no judgement there.

You can give examples of your partner’s behavior to see if you’re overreacting, and unlike in static chat rooms, it’s a real conversation — you can clarify, go back and forth, and make sure you’re getting the full picture.

Get A Boost From Giving Your Opinion

Anonymous chat rooms also give you an opportunity to feel helpful – others in the chat will want your opinion on their problems, and after helping someone else, you’ll feel more prepared to tackle your own struggle.

The best, most authentic answers come from people who have gone through similar struggles. And the real truth always comes out in an anonymous place. That’s why we believe anonymous peer support is one of the best ways to get help for whatever you’re going through.

The convenience factor of the online chat, available 24/7, also helps.

See for yourself, by clicking Chat Now and following the quick steps. Supportiv’s online chat has already helped over 100,000 people find answers to their questions and walk away with one-of-a-kind insights.

The post Anonymous Online Chat – No Registration – Chat Now appeared first on Supportiv.

We most commonly hear about controlling husbands and controlling relationships. Although controlling behavior can feel extra traumatic in romantic relationships, any person in your life can control you in a harmful way. And they can be a man or a woman.

It is a mark of courage to recognize the signs of controlling behavior, and an act of bravery to respond appropriately. 

Chat about what you’re going through anonymously, here.

What Is Controlling Behavior?

Controlling behavior is when one person expects, compels, or requires others to cater to their own needs — even at others’ expense. The controlling person targets an individual and dominates them in an unhealthy, self-serving manner. 

Who Falls Victim To Controlling People?

Controlling people often prey upon those they’re closest to, taking advantage of others’ introversion, submissive tendencies, or simple good faith. 

Being manipulated, used, or controlled by another person can lead to a number of harmful effects. Some may be so subtle, that you don’t realize until you’re cemented into a toxic, controlling relationship with your friend, coworker, or partner. 

Controlling people tend to prey on the kindest folks they can find.

Other effects are all-consuming, and can even lead to shame for ‘allowing’ yourself to be controlled. Remember it is not at all your fault. Controlling people tend to prey on the kindest folks they can find.

If you’re being controlled by another person, you may experience any of the following:

• Damaged confidence and sense of self 
• Difficulty taking action
• Fear of being without the person who controls you
• Depression, anxiety, the works…
• Lack of will to live
• Complex PTSD, especially if the control is prolonged or coupled with other types of abuse

Subtle Signs Of Controlling Behavior: 

Remember to be cautious when you see even small signs of controlling behavior. A controlling husband, wife, partner, or friend may try to maintain plausible deniability, so that it’s easier to gaslight you that they aren’t mistreating you.

Some of the more subtle signs of control can be:

• Giving or seeking more attention than usual.
• Threatening you with ultimatums.
• Putting you down when things don’t go their way.
• Using banter as a disguise for underlying criticism in the presence of family and friends.
• Making you feel unworthy or worthless.

If it happened once, it was probably for a reason, and the person will probably want to use you again.

When these more subtle signs become constant, and repetitive, or form a pattern, then it is high time to take action — either by speaking up, setting boundaries, distancing yourself through techniques like grey rocking, or exiting the relationship.

What Causes Controlling Behavior?

There are various reasons why some people try to control others, and sometimes these are difficult to figure out.

Some potential causes of controlling behavior are: low self-esteem; being micromanaged or controlled by someone else; traumatic past experiences; a need to feel in-control; or a need to feel ‘above’ someone else..

None of these have to do with you, the victim of inappropriate control. But if you want to preserve a relationship with someone who controls you, consider whether they might be able to work on any of the above influences.

Common Ways People Control Others: 

No one controlling relationship is worse than the other – they are all equally bad! 

“Control and manipulation are not love; the outcome is a life of imprisonment ultimately leading to deep-rooted feelings of resentment.” ― Ken Poirot

Some controlling behaviors can be recognized easily while others take time to manifest. When the following examples below become repetitive and form into a habit – it has become a controlling relationship.

Psychological Manipulation

Psychological manipulation is a broad spectrum of mental and emotional abuse, and its damaging effects can be long lasting.

Have you ever had to tell someone you don’t like playing mind games? Well, this may be how it all starts, as somewhat of a joke between two people. 

Psychological manipulation can show as one or many of (but not limited to) the following:

• intense jealousy
• isolating you from friends and family
• judging how you speak
• the silent treatment
• constant criticism
• guilt trips
• emotional blackmail
• intimidation

Physical Control or Abuse

Often, the person being controlled will turn a blind eye or not acknowledge controlling behaviors. That’s understandable. But in the case of physical abuse, the control may have started without your realizing it – as the other person just crossing a number of subtle fine lines. 

It’s not always as obvious as punches and bruises. Getting beaten up is not the only form of physical abuse, even though it is the most common. Physical control can also look like restrictions on travel, the clothes you wear, or who you see.

The controlling person in your life may start by asking where you’re going, then by restricting where and when you leave the house. Eventually you find yourself physically isolated and in fear of violence should you decide to meet up with a friend or just go for a walk.

You may be threatened or coerced into sex, or they may gaslight you into thinking it was your idea, even though you don’t want it. These are examples of controlling behavior using physical abuse – or even just the threat of it – as a weapon.

Controlling husbands, wives, girlfriends, boyfriends, and partners can all be physically controlling and abusive. Both men and women can commit this behavior.

Financial Exploitation

Financial abuse can come from two directions. 

First, a controlling person may find ways to cut off your autonomy so you become financially dependent on them; they might ask you to change jobs or even leave work. This ensures that everything you do with a financial implication, goes through them. 

The second, alternative manifestation is equally restrictive. They might focus all financial responsibilities on you where you are the only one contributing to the couple’s or family’s finances.

In both situations, it can become almost impossible for you to leave the relationship due to the financial burdens in your name.

“A bird cannot love freely when caged.” ― Matshona Dhliwayo

Not all these signs will clearly mean that someone is trying to control you. Controlling behavior exists on a spectrum, from unconscious or accidental control, to full-blown, intentional abuse.

There might be just one of the signs above, or other signs not mentioned. So the best way to move forward is to trust your gut. Notice the signs and keep them in mind. Proceed cautiously.

If you find yourself in a controlling situation, always ask yourself: “Is this truly what I want and am I doing it of my own free will?”

If your answer’s a NO, then remove yourself from the circumstances and talk about the situation with someone, in a safe place like here.

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